March 31st, 2009
Alright, this is gonna be quick.
For the past 5 days now I have had excruciating restless leg. I do take medication for it, but despite all our efforts of increasing meds, trying new meds, adding supplements and using holistic methods, nothing has worked. The only thing that will work short-term is to knock me out with heavy-duty narcotics. However, when the drugs start to wake up I'm still sleepy but the restless leg has taken over again. It’s so frustrating and horrible that I've been screaming like a baby.
We went to the ER. They couldn't do anything for me.
In desperation today I called my doctor's emergency line and, miracle of miracles, got a bed at Bryan East! I'm happy for this because of the convenience of having doctors there to help. Maybe they'll put their heads together and figure this out.
What we think this is is my ammonia levels (which are still high) are messing with my brain. Since restless leg is neurological this could be a side-effect of my decreasing brain function.
So, here I go, off to see the wizards (I hope). Please pray for me and send me healing energy!
March 2nd, 2009
Hello everyone,
I'm still at the hospital. The restless leg is getting a little better but they've found other problems to replace it: low blood pressure, dehydration, higher ammonia levels and then of course the fact that I don't eat. So now they're thinking of putting a gastric tube in me to get more calories in me. I've dropped down to almost 110 lbs. (although I've gained some water weight from all the fluids their putting in me.
So, I dunno how much longer I'll be here but people are welcome to smuggle in rats for me! Or spring rolls! Or bring me stones! The nurses have all been pretty impressed with the "small" collection of about 25 stones that I brought (not including jewelry. My Gramma brought me some of the first daffodils and they've bloomed beautifully. I've made a sort of healing altar with the stones, flowers and, of course the Anubis statue (hospital patron god), Buddha and my pewter castle figure.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Health Update
Hi all,
I realize I'm way overdue for a health update. When I need to write on the most is when it's hardest to do because usually that means I'm sick.
Also, before I get into the updates, I apologize if this email makes no sense, has errors or seems disjoined.
So, I'm off the Pristiq (the bad antidepressant) and that helped a little. Of course, I went back into things full swing and wore myself out totally. One litte bit of relief and I forget that all the other stuff is still there and I end up worse off than I started.
Anyway, the dizzyness got worse and I started veering off to one side all the time or blacking out for a second and stumbling and falling. I lost my footing very easily.
The brain function started to go down, too.
One day I just started crying for hours. I don't know where it came from.
I had been having crying episodes that were shorter almost everyday.
I couldn't stand being with more than one, maybe two friends at a time or being in crowded places.
I became so overwhelemed by things that I had to close my eyes when we drove.
Then I started, like a small child, to freak out and cry at the slightest mishap or accident.
I forgot things even more. I zoned out. I couldn't put concepts together, making reading books or watching movies really hard.
All of this is still true today even though on Friday we went to the ER. All they could find out was that my amonia levels were really high (my liver doesn't filter the amonia so it goes straight to my brain and causes the fog anf forgetfullness).
I've been given some yucky meds for the amonia stuff.
In the meantime, just be aware, I'm crazy. Or as Gina put it, a lot like a autistic child.
I realize I'm way overdue for a health update. When I need to write on the most is when it's hardest to do because usually that means I'm sick.
Also, before I get into the updates, I apologize if this email makes no sense, has errors or seems disjoined.
So, I'm off the Pristiq (the bad antidepressant) and that helped a little. Of course, I went back into things full swing and wore myself out totally. One litte bit of relief and I forget that all the other stuff is still there and I end up worse off than I started.
Anyway, the dizzyness got worse and I started veering off to one side all the time or blacking out for a second and stumbling and falling. I lost my footing very easily.
The brain function started to go down, too.
One day I just started crying for hours. I don't know where it came from.
I had been having crying episodes that were shorter almost everyday.
I couldn't stand being with more than one, maybe two friends at a time or being in crowded places.
I became so overwhelemed by things that I had to close my eyes when we drove.
Then I started, like a small child, to freak out and cry at the slightest mishap or accident.
I forgot things even more. I zoned out. I couldn't put concepts together, making reading books or watching movies really hard.
All of this is still true today even though on Friday we went to the ER. All they could find out was that my amonia levels were really high (my liver doesn't filter the amonia so it goes straight to my brain and causes the fog anf forgetfullness).
I've been given some yucky meds for the amonia stuff.
In the meantime, just be aware, I'm crazy. Or as Gina put it, a lot like a autistic child.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Newspaper Article
Alrighty, here's the link to the newspaper article! I hope you all enjoy! Let me know what you think.
http://www.journalstar.com/articles/2009/03/01/news/local/doc49a9edea9cc90501695797.txt
http://www.journalstar.com/articles/2009/03/01/news/local/doc49a9edea9cc90501695797.txt
Friday, February 27, 2009
Health Update Among Other Things
Boy have I got updates for ya'll!
I'll start with my health stuff--
For the past week I've been feeling icky and it's just been getting worse. I've got plenty of tummy problems, nausea, migraines, trouble breathing, pain, etc. I've been sleeping 10-20 hours at a time, which I really hate (I would rather being doing something and I'm already disoriented enough). So, today we called my family doc to see if anything looked weird on the blood test results from a couple days ago. Besides being in anemic and having horrible liver readings there was nothing that jumped out to the doctor, I guess. However, when I talked to the nurse on the phone she decided that it would be best if I came in and saw the doctor, so I'll go in on Tuesday.
Of course, I always get the sickest and have emergencies on the weekend when all the doctor's offices are closed, so I made sure I had a few things in order in case I needed to go to the hospital and wrote up a list of all my symptoms. I wanted to call UNMC right away even though we would just be able to talk to a liver doctor on call. I guess I was feeling pretty desperate. I'm not in a whole lot of pain, per se, but I am extremely uncomfortable. There's so much going on at once that I feel completely overloaded. Anyway, I guess we'll wait until Monday to call UNMC unless we really have to call sooner. I mean, there's not much they can do except look at test results, so...
However, I gave my list of symptoms to my mom and she started thinking about how I first started showing signs of feeling like this when I started a new antidepressent that was also supposed to work for pain control and hot flashes. The first sign was that I started getting lots of migraines. Naturally, I took my Imatrex (with is a triptan drug) to take the migraine away. Well, turns out the Pristiq (the new drug) interferes with triptan drugs. Makes sense since I had noticed that on the days I took my migraine med I would start seeing things (like I could swear that stationary objects were moving, for example), I would get really dizzy and I would have these shaking episodes. Most of my other symtoms were listed as side-effects for the Pristiq (nausea, fatigue, etc.).
Mom called my psychiatrist's office and so now I'm supposed to wean myself off the new antidepressed and back onto old faithful (Lexapro). I really, really hope it works.
In much more exciting news-
Those of you from Lincoln who get the Journal Star may remember this article from a couple weeks ago: http://www.journalstar.com/articles/2009/02/12/news/local/doc499379d8b141c557920173.txt
When I read about Sam I just felt this sort of calling, like I should meet with him and his family and encourage them. I guess I saw something of myself in Sam. That and I had all sorts of oragami to give him!
After emailing the author of the article (whom I already knew) and getting in contact with Sam and his family we were finally able to meet yesterday at my house. The journalist and photographer came as well to do a follow-up story. It will appear in Sunday's newspaper.
Sam is such an amazing kid and his enthusiasm is contagious. I'm so glad I had that light in my day before I started feeling so much worse. I can't wait to meet him again and also his sister Taylor. I know Natalie wants to meet her as well so she can pass on her wisdom about being the sister of a chronically ill person :P
In sad news-
Our rat Shirley finally passed on in her sleep today. Shirley was over three years old (ancient for a rat) and could hardly move on her own. We had been hand-feeding her nutritional shakes for a couple months and she was always so grateful and loving and happy. She would brux (when rats crunch their teeth together to show they're happy) as much as she could when we held her for feedings. She was quite the inspiration and will be sorely missed.
I adopted Shirley about three years ago from a family who's pet snake had rejected her as food. She spent her life here stashing food in my desk drawers and chewing my iPod cords. I got her name from a cashier at Wal-Mart who, when she saw a rat on my shoulder, told me about how her daughter-in-law had just gotten a white rat named Shirley. I thought it was a great name and so my next albino became Shirley.
I'll start with my health stuff--
For the past week I've been feeling icky and it's just been getting worse. I've got plenty of tummy problems, nausea, migraines, trouble breathing, pain, etc. I've been sleeping 10-20 hours at a time, which I really hate (I would rather being doing something and I'm already disoriented enough). So, today we called my family doc to see if anything looked weird on the blood test results from a couple days ago. Besides being in anemic and having horrible liver readings there was nothing that jumped out to the doctor, I guess. However, when I talked to the nurse on the phone she decided that it would be best if I came in and saw the doctor, so I'll go in on Tuesday.
Of course, I always get the sickest and have emergencies on the weekend when all the doctor's offices are closed, so I made sure I had a few things in order in case I needed to go to the hospital and wrote up a list of all my symptoms. I wanted to call UNMC right away even though we would just be able to talk to a liver doctor on call. I guess I was feeling pretty desperate. I'm not in a whole lot of pain, per se, but I am extremely uncomfortable. There's so much going on at once that I feel completely overloaded. Anyway, I guess we'll wait until Monday to call UNMC unless we really have to call sooner. I mean, there's not much they can do except look at test results, so...
However, I gave my list of symptoms to my mom and she started thinking about how I first started showing signs of feeling like this when I started a new antidepressent that was also supposed to work for pain control and hot flashes. The first sign was that I started getting lots of migraines. Naturally, I took my Imatrex (with is a triptan drug) to take the migraine away. Well, turns out the Pristiq (the new drug) interferes with triptan drugs. Makes sense since I had noticed that on the days I took my migraine med I would start seeing things (like I could swear that stationary objects were moving, for example), I would get really dizzy and I would have these shaking episodes. Most of my other symtoms were listed as side-effects for the Pristiq (nausea, fatigue, etc.).
Mom called my psychiatrist's office and so now I'm supposed to wean myself off the new antidepressed and back onto old faithful (Lexapro). I really, really hope it works.
In much more exciting news-
Those of you from Lincoln who get the Journal Star may remember this article from a couple weeks ago: http://www.journalstar.com/articles/2009/02/12/news/local/doc499379d8b141c557920173.txt
When I read about Sam I just felt this sort of calling, like I should meet with him and his family and encourage them. I guess I saw something of myself in Sam. That and I had all sorts of oragami to give him!
After emailing the author of the article (whom I already knew) and getting in contact with Sam and his family we were finally able to meet yesterday at my house. The journalist and photographer came as well to do a follow-up story. It will appear in Sunday's newspaper.
Sam is such an amazing kid and his enthusiasm is contagious. I'm so glad I had that light in my day before I started feeling so much worse. I can't wait to meet him again and also his sister Taylor. I know Natalie wants to meet her as well so she can pass on her wisdom about being the sister of a chronically ill person :P
In sad news-
Our rat Shirley finally passed on in her sleep today. Shirley was over three years old (ancient for a rat) and could hardly move on her own. We had been hand-feeding her nutritional shakes for a couple months and she was always so grateful and loving and happy. She would brux (when rats crunch their teeth together to show they're happy) as much as she could when we held her for feedings. She was quite the inspiration and will be sorely missed.
I adopted Shirley about three years ago from a family who's pet snake had rejected her as food. She spent her life here stashing food in my desk drawers and chewing my iPod cords. I got her name from a cashier at Wal-Mart who, when she saw a rat on my shoulder, told me about how her daughter-in-law had just gotten a white rat named Shirley. I thought it was a great name and so my next albino became Shirley.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Health Update
Just so ya'll know, I'm home now. Hooray! Velvet is just ecstatic and won't leave my side. I'm pretty ecstatic myself. Everything seems clearer, somehow, being home. Yes, I hurt, but it's more definable. I don't feel like I'm sinking into a plastic bed and all semblance of who I am has left me. Perhaps it's the lack of all the drugs...But stil, it's like I have my essence back and now I can at least deal with my pain and other issues with my own feelings and beliefs. It's hard to explain...
Anyway, I got my unit of blood and I think it helped. Maybe that's why I feel more like myself.
Well, I go now to wash off all the hospital grime.
Anyway, I got my unit of blood and I think it helped. Maybe that's why I feel more like myself.
Well, I go now to wash off all the hospital grime.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Health Update
Hi Everyone,
I'm still in the hospital. I've been sleeping nonstop basically. I have had no appetite except to eat my beloved yogurt melts. I'm trying to keep hydrated as dehydration is part of my problem (high sodium, low potassium).
The bleeding is just as bad as ever and so is the cramping. I had some pretty painful episodes last night and again this morning. As much as I hate being here, I was glad I was able to get some IV morphine during those episodes!
My hemoglobin is down to 8.6 (just a teeny, tiny bit higher than it was when I had to get my blood transfusion) so it sounds like they're going to give me one unit of blood and then send me on my way. Of course, they said that at around 11:00 this morning and now it's 1:30. I just hope they don't start it so late that I have to stay another night.
Anyway, that's it for now.
I'm still in the hospital. I've been sleeping nonstop basically. I have had no appetite except to eat my beloved yogurt melts. I'm trying to keep hydrated as dehydration is part of my problem (high sodium, low potassium).
The bleeding is just as bad as ever and so is the cramping. I had some pretty painful episodes last night and again this morning. As much as I hate being here, I was glad I was able to get some IV morphine during those episodes!
My hemoglobin is down to 8.6 (just a teeny, tiny bit higher than it was when I had to get my blood transfusion) so it sounds like they're going to give me one unit of blood and then send me on my way. Of course, they said that at around 11:00 this morning and now it's 1:30. I just hope they don't start it so late that I have to stay another night.
Anyway, that's it for now.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Health Update
Hello,
I meant to get an update out sooner, but things move pretty slow for me right now.
Anyway, on Wednesday I saw a gyno specialist dude in Omaha who recommended a few things we're going to try. Unfortunately, while these methods may make me "better" I will have the same amount, if not more, pain and the bleeding will probably continue.
Thursday morning I went into my local gyno's office to get my hemoglobin checked because I had been feeling so weak. Surprisingly, my hemoglobin was 10.6 (even higher than it was after my blood transfusion), so that was good news. However, it didn't change the way I felt. In fact, looking back, I'm surprised I didn't faint on my way out of the hospital building. I spent the rest of the day in bed reading and sleeping. In the evening I tried to fold a small load of laundry but I had to do it in stages I was so weak. Kinda pathetic, huh?
But...I got to talk to some friends yesterday, which was awesome. I get a little lonely being in my room all day with nothing but sleeping rats and a demonic--I mean, loving--black cat. Poor Velvet, she works so hard to take care of me and worries herself whenever I leave the house (she never knows if I'm just going out for an appointment or if she won't see me for a week or two). But yeah.
Today I'm doing a little worse (so far), but I hope things will look up as the day goes on.
I meant to get an update out sooner, but things move pretty slow for me right now.
Anyway, on Wednesday I saw a gyno specialist dude in Omaha who recommended a few things we're going to try. Unfortunately, while these methods may make me "better" I will have the same amount, if not more, pain and the bleeding will probably continue.
Thursday morning I went into my local gyno's office to get my hemoglobin checked because I had been feeling so weak. Surprisingly, my hemoglobin was 10.6 (even higher than it was after my blood transfusion), so that was good news. However, it didn't change the way I felt. In fact, looking back, I'm surprised I didn't faint on my way out of the hospital building. I spent the rest of the day in bed reading and sleeping. In the evening I tried to fold a small load of laundry but I had to do it in stages I was so weak. Kinda pathetic, huh?
But...I got to talk to some friends yesterday, which was awesome. I get a little lonely being in my room all day with nothing but sleeping rats and a demonic--I mean, loving--black cat. Poor Velvet, she works so hard to take care of me and worries herself whenever I leave the house (she never knows if I'm just going out for an appointment or if she won't see me for a week or two). But yeah.
Today I'm doing a little worse (so far), but I hope things will look up as the day goes on.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Health Update
Hi everyone!
Yesterday we went to Omaha and talking to my liver doctor. He didn't change anything in my care, except to have a nutritionist call me with more ideas on how to keep the weight on.
We got to do some fun shopping in Omaha. It pretty much finished me off, but I'm glad we did it.
I was calling back the gyno's office just as we pulled into our driveway and they said they wanted me to come in and get my hemoglobin checked since I had been bleeding more. So, we went straight to their office. My hemoglobin was very low at 8.4 and they decided to admit me so they could give me a blood transfusion and observe me overnight.
I got to be in the brand new women's area at Bryan East. The rooms are really, really fancy. The toilet seats are heated and the toilets even have special washers in them so you can keep clean "down there". It was so awesome.
Still, I was very glad to come home this afternoon. I'm not feeling so weak and the pain isn't as bad and I'm not bleeding so much. So fingers crossed!
Tomorrow I'm going to see some gyno specialists in Omaha and they will decide where we need to go from here. Since I didn't get many of the menopausal effects from the lupron shots it seems that the liver didn't assimilate them like it should. So, my gyno decided it would be good for me to see specialists who were in the same place as my liver doctors, that way they could all work together, especially if I have to have a surgery or procedure (which may happen if things don't improve, but I have high hopes since I'm doing so much better today).
If I start bleeding more again I'm supposed to go straight to Omaha.
Right now I am enjoying being back at home!!
Yesterday we went to Omaha and talking to my liver doctor. He didn't change anything in my care, except to have a nutritionist call me with more ideas on how to keep the weight on.
We got to do some fun shopping in Omaha. It pretty much finished me off, but I'm glad we did it.
I was calling back the gyno's office just as we pulled into our driveway and they said they wanted me to come in and get my hemoglobin checked since I had been bleeding more. So, we went straight to their office. My hemoglobin was very low at 8.4 and they decided to admit me so they could give me a blood transfusion and observe me overnight.
I got to be in the brand new women's area at Bryan East. The rooms are really, really fancy. The toilet seats are heated and the toilets even have special washers in them so you can keep clean "down there". It was so awesome.
Still, I was very glad to come home this afternoon. I'm not feeling so weak and the pain isn't as bad and I'm not bleeding so much. So fingers crossed!
Tomorrow I'm going to see some gyno specialists in Omaha and they will decide where we need to go from here. Since I didn't get many of the menopausal effects from the lupron shots it seems that the liver didn't assimilate them like it should. So, my gyno decided it would be good for me to see specialists who were in the same place as my liver doctors, that way they could all work together, especially if I have to have a surgery or procedure (which may happen if things don't improve, but I have high hopes since I'm doing so much better today).
If I start bleeding more again I'm supposed to go straight to Omaha.
Right now I am enjoying being back at home!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Hi all,
Okay, now you finally get the whole story:
My period started getting out of control so Saturday morning I called the gyno on call at the office. She upped my hormone pills and said to call on Monday. Around ten or so in the evening I started to have bad pain that wasn't responding to my normal pain meds. The pain just exploded and so we went to the ER. They gave me a shot of morphine: nothing. Shot of hydromorphone: nothing. They gave me an IV and started shooting drugs into me with only a little improvement. At around 3 AM the admitted me. I was able to get some sleep and I was given a meth pill as a last resort for the pain (so now I've tried meth! It didn't do much...). In the morning the pain was still there, though more tolerable. I was given two different narcotics before I was stable enough to be sent home.
I've slept all day and have to continue on the heavy duty narcotics and meth.
The pain is from my crazy period and what is happening is my body is doing somewhat of the same thing that happens when you give birth. Thus, the horrible pain. So, last night could technically be compared to a long labor, only I still have lots of pain and no baby as a reward.
Okay, now you finally get the whole story:
My period started getting out of control so Saturday morning I called the gyno on call at the office. She upped my hormone pills and said to call on Monday. Around ten or so in the evening I started to have bad pain that wasn't responding to my normal pain meds. The pain just exploded and so we went to the ER. They gave me a shot of morphine: nothing. Shot of hydromorphone: nothing. They gave me an IV and started shooting drugs into me with only a little improvement. At around 3 AM the admitted me. I was able to get some sleep and I was given a meth pill as a last resort for the pain (so now I've tried meth! It didn't do much...). In the morning the pain was still there, though more tolerable. I was given two different narcotics before I was stable enough to be sent home.
I've slept all day and have to continue on the heavy duty narcotics and meth.
The pain is from my crazy period and what is happening is my body is doing somewhat of the same thing that happens when you give birth. Thus, the horrible pain. So, last night could technically be compared to a long labor, only I still have lots of pain and no baby as a reward.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Health Update
Hi All,
I hope everyone is doing well!
Unfortunately, I am not doing so great. I seem to getting worse, feeling much as I was in last fall. My appetite has diminished greatly, I'm in much more pain, I have more severe fatigue (if that were possible), and I'm more jaundiced. My blood is having more trouble clotting than usual, another sign that the liver is not doing well. I also started my cycle, which is not supposed to happen when you have menopause, of course. I haven't had a period in around 3 months, so this is weird and, of course not helping my current situation. I'm waiting to hear back from the gyno about that.
I have an appointment to see my primary care doc on Thursday and I see my liver doctor in Omaha at the end of the month. Hopefully someone will have some answers, but I'm not counting on it. I got a blood test yesterday but the med center called and said that my place on the list had not changed. So much for that.
So, being at home stuck in bed more than ever I am, of course, a bit bored (reading and sleeping are all swell, but they do get old after a few days), so anyone who wants to come and entertain me and/or bring me presents is more than welcome! ;-D I'm still trying to make it to my various classes and meetings.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Unfortunately, I am not doing so great. I seem to getting worse, feeling much as I was in last fall. My appetite has diminished greatly, I'm in much more pain, I have more severe fatigue (if that were possible), and I'm more jaundiced. My blood is having more trouble clotting than usual, another sign that the liver is not doing well. I also started my cycle, which is not supposed to happen when you have menopause, of course. I haven't had a period in around 3 months, so this is weird and, of course not helping my current situation. I'm waiting to hear back from the gyno about that.
I have an appointment to see my primary care doc on Thursday and I see my liver doctor in Omaha at the end of the month. Hopefully someone will have some answers, but I'm not counting on it. I got a blood test yesterday but the med center called and said that my place on the list had not changed. So much for that.
So, being at home stuck in bed more than ever I am, of course, a bit bored (reading and sleeping are all swell, but they do get old after a few days), so anyone who wants to come and entertain me and/or bring me presents is more than welcome! ;-D I'm still trying to make it to my various classes and meetings.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Health Update
Hi everyone,
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
I've been doing O.K. lately. Mostly I've been very, very tired. Around Christmas my blood pressure lowering medication built up a little too much and I became very weak so I pretty much slept through most of the holidays, or, if I wasn't sleeping, acting like a brainless zombie. Just ask my mom about all the brainless, and even dangerous, things I did (and continue to do). As always, part of my "slowness" is because my liver isn't filtering chemicals that go straight to my brain. Don't ever give me new instructions on how to do something. It just doesn't work.
I want to thank you all for the lovely, wonderful gifts!!! I want to get out thank you cards, but lately with me, these things don't always come to pass.
I've still been having pain, but it's not as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. I've started physical therapy and continue to see my pain control doctor.
I've been keeping busy with various projects and social endeavors. Though I don't always have it in me to do everything I want to do, I still am able to get out of the house on a regular basis while (usually) keeping up with things like laundry, rat cages, and keeping my room sumptuously clean and tidy. ;-)
One of my biggest complaints right now is the cold. I'm very sensitive to it and can shut down physically and emotionally pretty quickly when it comes to the cold. Despite keeping my room at around 75 degrees fahrenheit, I usually wear two or three layers of clothing, usually with at least one layer of fleece or some other toasty fabric on each part of my body. If I leave the house I put on even more layers and wear my gloves at almost all times (yes, even indoors).
I also get these horrible chills if I don't keep my pain under control. Sometimes the chills remind me that I have pain I need to take care of because, after living with these paricular pains for over 6 months, I sometimes don't notice them.
As for the menopause thing: I can keep the menopause symtoms under control pretty easily, but the pain in the ovary area is still the same as ever, if not worse. I'm on my second shot now and am due for the next one in a couple months, although if it hasn't delivered satisfactory results by then we'll have to look at other possiblilities.
I've been doing a lot of research into natural pain relief and have completed my Reiki training so I can do more advanced self-healing (this helps my pain a lot). I've also been doing some Reiki on friends and family (and of course the animals) who all seem to really enjoy it.
I have one energy healing group in town who are giving me their services for free. They do wonderful work. I always feel more energized after a session with them and the pain relief I get is sometimes better than narcotics!
I think that pretty much covers it for now. As always, I'll try to keep ya'll updated as often as I can.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
I've been doing O.K. lately. Mostly I've been very, very tired. Around Christmas my blood pressure lowering medication built up a little too much and I became very weak so I pretty much slept through most of the holidays, or, if I wasn't sleeping, acting like a brainless zombie. Just ask my mom about all the brainless, and even dangerous, things I did (and continue to do). As always, part of my "slowness" is because my liver isn't filtering chemicals that go straight to my brain. Don't ever give me new instructions on how to do something. It just doesn't work.
I want to thank you all for the lovely, wonderful gifts!!! I want to get out thank you cards, but lately with me, these things don't always come to pass.
I've still been having pain, but it's not as bad as it was, say, 3 months ago. I've started physical therapy and continue to see my pain control doctor.
I've been keeping busy with various projects and social endeavors. Though I don't always have it in me to do everything I want to do, I still am able to get out of the house on a regular basis while (usually) keeping up with things like laundry, rat cages, and keeping my room sumptuously clean and tidy. ;-)
One of my biggest complaints right now is the cold. I'm very sensitive to it and can shut down physically and emotionally pretty quickly when it comes to the cold. Despite keeping my room at around 75 degrees fahrenheit, I usually wear two or three layers of clothing, usually with at least one layer of fleece or some other toasty fabric on each part of my body. If I leave the house I put on even more layers and wear my gloves at almost all times (yes, even indoors).
I also get these horrible chills if I don't keep my pain under control. Sometimes the chills remind me that I have pain I need to take care of because, after living with these paricular pains for over 6 months, I sometimes don't notice them.
As for the menopause thing: I can keep the menopause symtoms under control pretty easily, but the pain in the ovary area is still the same as ever, if not worse. I'm on my second shot now and am due for the next one in a couple months, although if it hasn't delivered satisfactory results by then we'll have to look at other possiblilities.
I've been doing a lot of research into natural pain relief and have completed my Reiki training so I can do more advanced self-healing (this helps my pain a lot). I've also been doing some Reiki on friends and family (and of course the animals) who all seem to really enjoy it.
I have one energy healing group in town who are giving me their services for free. They do wonderful work. I always feel more energized after a session with them and the pain relief I get is sometimes better than narcotics!
I think that pretty much covers it for now. As always, I'll try to keep ya'll updated as often as I can.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Revised and Expanded Spiritual History
When I was fourteen I experienced a “spiritual awakening”. I can’t really explain what happened. All I know is that one day, as I was lost in thought, I suddenly realized what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, or some other kind of artist, but that seems so insignificant now. It was like the simple knowing of seeing a road ahead of me opened me up somehow to higher things. I saw the world in this new light and it was alive, beautiful and, well, spiritual. It was as if a veil lifted and I could see the spiritual world and the physical. My heart opened and overflowed.
I had been started to read the Harry Potter books when I was twelve and for the first time I discovered the wonder of a escaping into a world more magical than my own. Yes, I went to extremes with it and soon learned what true worship was. I created altars to the world of Harry Potter and became emotionally involved with the story so deeply that it was unhealthy. But that’s another tale. The fact is, I discovered at fourteen that I was capable of creating my own worlds to escape into. Thus, writing and art became my focus.
I had always known, without a doubt, that there was a higher being, a Creator, someone who understood me and loved me. Being brought up a Christian (though a rather nontraditional one) I identified this being as God. I had often felt His presence strongly when I was in church, but not because I listened to the sermon. It was because I was still and listened to that Presence that I could not ignore. The goings-on of the church service meant nothing to me and I assumed they weren’t particularly thrilling to God either since He was obviously wrapped up in a conversation with me.
So when I had this “spiritual awakening” I felt again that Presence, only this time I wasn’t in a church. It was with me all the time. My eyes were opened to the natural world around me and I saw something more beautiful and more spiritual than any church building. I saw Nature. I talked to God through all things that grew, especially trees. I talked to God through the stars, the sun and the moon. However, when I say I “talked” to God I mean that I communed. My words were few, but the language of my heart I let flow towards this Great Spirit. I truly began to believe in magic.
My connection to nature grew very strong and I began to feel individual presences. Earth spirits, if you will. I no longer saw a tree, a flower and a rabbit. Instead I saw a spiritual beings in a spiritual world.
I remember once, when I was walking home from school and talking to nature in soft whispers that no one could hear, that I discovered that I could feel spiritual energy coming from the bush a was running my fingers through. My fingers tingled. I experimented by pulling energy out of the leaves and then sending it back in. To me, this seemed an a very intimate way of communing with the energies in nature. Later I would learn this technique as Reiki and learn how to use it properly not just on plants, but on the human and animal bodies for healing.
My sister and our close friend Jessie became interested in the world of fairies and soon my spiritual tie to the Earth and the Divine took on a more solid outline. We walked any forest we could, calling out fairy chants and leaving gifts of flowers and sweet cakes and drinks, hoping for a glimpse of one of our winged friends. Through this we learned patience, concentration and quietness. We learned how to blend in with the Earth, to feel one with it. Though we knew it not, we had become advanced in meditation.
I also felt a oneness with the trees especially and felt sure that there were spirits or fairies of some kind who lived in them and were the essence of trees. In my backyard there was a particularly handsome tree. I felt a strong connection with it and often spent time sitting underneath it or exploring it (or, at least, the parts I could reach). It wasn’t long after this that I began writing a story about a girl who could talk to plants and animals. This girl had a tree that she confided in named Mr. T. He was based on my favorite tree, which I then began calling by that name and even talking to. At night when I was lonely or couldn’t sleep, I would imagine that Mr. T left his tree and came to sit with me and talk with me.
Me, my sister and Jessie soon found that others shared our love of the Fae, though perhaps in not such a childlike manner. We discovered the wonders of metaphysical shops and New Age music. This soon led me to the internet where I frequented such sites as http://www.newage.com.au. Here is where I, with my spiritual life thirsting, took the lead and started sprinting down the path of this spirituality that centered around nature and the Divine Spirit who made it and dwelt within it. I didn’t read much, though. I found most of the articles hard to read. I wasn’t familiar with any of the terminology or practices. I learned more just by being in nature and going where my heart lead.
This was around the year 2000 and reality shows about haunted houses and spirit mediums were at their height. My sister and our friend were, of course, big fans of these shows. We were soon using the Ouija board, holding séances and doing automatic writing, all of which truly delivered results (much to our pleasure). It wasn’t long before I decided I wanted to be a medium and help spirits on their way to heaven. Unfortunately, we didn’t know how to correctly use a Ouija board and ended up with some bad experiences. I left my desire to be a medium behind at sixteen.
I knew that I was psychic. Granted, I’ve always been very sensitive and spiritual (true to my Cancer zodiac sign) . I cpuldread people very well (though I don’t by any means use this as excuse to judge a person before getting to know them). I got deja vous so much that it became annoying. I would have dreams that came true. However, something more started happening. When talking to Spirits I always heard them better than the others. I was very sensitive towards energies that objects held. For instance, we went to the history museum when I was 14 and I was bombarded with horrifying images of what every artifact has lived though. I was so spooked and overwhelmed by the intensity of events these objects had lived though (this was a World War II museum) that I had to leave and regain my energy and composure.
This same year my liver disease reoccurred in my new liver, which had been transplanted into me three years prior, when I was eleven. I was put on a high dose of steroids at this time and, let me tell you, steroids mess with my emotions. It’s like having horrible PMS, times ten. The steroids not only made me puffy (which is very hard on a girl in middle school who didn’t have many friends or a lot of self-confidence) but I would also start crying for no reason at all. Then I started just feeling numb. I began to hate myself so much that I would cut my arms.
When I was fifteen, almost sixteen, my mom sent me to a therapist she knew.
“You’ll like her, Becca. She’s into very spiritual things, just like you.”
I did like her. Not only was she spiritual, but she had some illnesses just like mine. I wasted no time in telling her that I was a psychic, I wanted to be a spirit medium and urged her to share with me what her spiritual experiences were. She asked if it would be okay if she used the Bible so we could read what it had to say on the matters at hand. I figured, why not? The Bible is a spiritual book, though I’d never read it before.
From them on my Bible studies began and after that led to do a Bible prophecy seminar which then led me to the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. I was now a born-again Christian and not only that I was a fundamentalist born-again Christian. My family was not pleased.
My family are Christians, but they’re more like Unitarians than Seventh - day Adventist. I had been brought up the Episcopal Church, though I don’t remember learning much about God there. Most of what I knew about God my mother had taught me. She taught me that God was both male and female or rather, that God was beyond gender. She taught me to be respectful off all religions and beliefs. Why, growing up we celebrated lots of cultural holidays because my mom wanted us (me and my sister, Natalie) to be culturally informed. We were always given freedom to choose our own paths, but I guess the whole Seventh - day Adventist thing wasn’t exactly what my family had had in mind.
As I progressed in my Christian walk I became more and more conservative. I don’t know why I went to such extremes, but at the time I felt I was doing it do give myself over to God and follow His Law completely and distance myself from worldly things. My Ouija Board, tarot cards and many other such things were given away. I made sure all fiction books (especially Harry Potter) were out of my sight. I wore dresses full time and sometimes even wore a head covering. My rock music was thrown out, I didn’t do anything on Saturdays but go to church, eat, go outside, study my Bible and pray. I took on my role as a mere woman who should always submit to man and cast off my worldly friends.
My life was completely different. Instead of glorying in the Earth I had to be careful to worship the Creator and not the creation. No books of fairy tales were to be seen by my eyes again and the only music that found my ears were hymns.
I struggled so much because I wanted my old life, but I knew it was bad and that hell would be my place if I should return to that old life. I did have wonderful times of communion with God and of being filled with his love, but the style of worship that was expected of me was hard. I wanted to burn incense and candles and have beautiful things on an altar. I wanted to sing songs that spoke to my heart. Somehow I had turned the understanding God of my youth, the God I talked to in the trees and the air and the skies, into a harsh judge. I needed to find my real God again.
When I was nineteen I started to fall away. I became so sick of everything. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Little by little, and full of fear that I would be “caught” I started wearing pants, listening to rock music and doing my hair. At some point I made a huge betrayal of God (in my mind) and set out some cakes in my backyard for the faeries, also saying a little prayer. To me, this was idol worship and a great sin, but it felt so right, so natural and so fulfilling.
I came back to my conservative form of Christianity a few times, but each time I fell away again and always a little further. The biggest rebellion of all was when I started reading Harry Potter again. But by that point I didn’t care if I went to hell or not. At least I was happy and that was all I cared about. I wanted to spend my life being happy and following my heart. And in my heart of hearts I knew the true God didn’t judge me but that I was where I was supposed to be. You can imagine that my Christian friends didn’t take this too well.
Now here I am, 21-years-old and I started looking for the fairies again a few weeks ago. In fact you couldn’t drag me off of my laptop for days. I soon found Wicca which was not at all what I had expected it to be. It wasn’t dark, it was all about oneness with the Earth! The beauty of doing something meaningful with your prayers (doing a spell or rite) spoke straight to my heart. I began contacting pagan groups in Lincoln to find out about classes and things like that. I wasn’t ready to be Wiccan yet or anything, but I was definitely ready to learn. I found some of the most amazing people in these groups and, though they’ve only known me a few weeks, it’s like I’m part of their family now.
I’m starting to feel at home with my spirituality again. The more I read about Wicca the more it speaks to me. So do I worship the devil now? God forbid! I worship the same God whom I have worshipped since my youth. I’m leaning more about His/Her character, too. Do I still believe in the state of the dead? Yes. What about the spirit guides? I’ve gotten to know them again and they are amazing. They need a blog post all their own. How about the Sabbath? I haven’t thought about the Sabbath in a long time. I do still believe it is a blessed day and perhaps I should treat it in a more spiritual matter. However, I will go out and buy lunch on the Sabbath. I just don’t understand anymore why that is such a big deal. Do I still go to church? No. Number one, my health doesn’t always allow me. Number two, even at the best of times I get nothing out of church and usually end up offended anyway. However, I may be attending a Bible study next month.
I want to state now that I do not regret my time as a conservative, Seventh-Day Adventist Christian. I had some truly spiritual times and I was sincere in all I did. When I truly connected with the God I believed in in my heart it was amazing. However, the time has come for me to follow what I believe and what makes me happy. I won’t put labels on myself just yet because my beliefs come from lots of religions, both Pagan and Christian. I figure, if I go to hell at least I lived my life the way I felt was right and I was happy. If something doesn’t feel right or doesn’t make me happy then I won’t do it.
Right now I’m exploring Wicca and Druidry most deeply, although I’m dipping my toes into Shamanism and Eastern religions (I do yoga, meditation and am in the process of getting my Reiki training and attunements).
A lot of my learning is done through book reading, watching stuff on YouTube and reading articles on the internet. Right now my favorite authors are Scott Cunningham, Diane Stein, Silver Ravenwolf and Raven Grimassi. If you want to find out more about what books I read, what websites I frequent and what videos I like, feel free to contact me.
Oh, and by the way, I finished the Harry Potter series but this time in a healthy state of mind. :)
May you all find your spirituality and peace. Blessed Be.
MySpace comment by Seth Duncan:
I don't know you much outside of Unionaires, but I applaud you for seeking the truth for yourself. In spiritual moments of truth the human soul is vulnerable, especially when it has gone through such dramatic polarizations as yours has. I can tell you're thirsty in many ways, and that you hope for your life to benefit this planet. Just keep trusting God to lead you to where your life will find real validation, and where your desire to do His will finds its most obvious outlet. Anytime you're following God, you're right where you need to be. Keep searching for Him, and conversing with Him. I will pray for you.
My reply:
Hi Seth,
I am happily surprised to see that you read and commented on my blog. Thank you! I've read many of your blogs and some of your brother's, too and have found them to be a refreshing reminder of our need for balance, but also the struggle we go through to keep that balance.
You're right, I am thirsty. I've always been thirsty. I'm like a spiritual sponge or something...my poor friends are probably exhausted by my crazy spiritual life.
I do trust God with my life. This is of the utmost importance to me, especially right now while I'm waiting to receive another liver transplant and my health is so bad. When you're so close to death and you spend what feels like half your time in the ER, you just have to trust God. I know He always works out all things for good.
Thank you so much for your prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and it means a lot to me when people pray for me.
MySpace comment from James:
This was a great blog! I enjoyed reading about your spiritual experiences and how you have gotten to where you are now...or back to where you started or somewhere in between, whichever fits best. Stories like this always get me thinking. I make no secret of disillusionment regarding the Seventh-day Adventist Church and Christianity as a whole. While I know that everyone does not feel the same as I do when it comes to religion/spiritual matters, I do believe that everyone can relate to a desire for internal peace. I don't think there is a correct answer to the Wicca or Christianity question you pose to yourself at the end of your blog. Which one brings you peace of mind? No matter what realm a person chooses to search, the ultimate objective is finding that Peace. I will not pretend to know any in-depth details about Wicca (it's pantheistic and generally peaceful), but I do have a good understanding of Christianity (especially SDA) and in my opinion it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I don't mean that as an insult. They are all belief systems attempting to bring people the same thing; peace. Maybe the hippies of the 60s had it right the whole time...
I don't know if there is a God the way Adventists and other Christians believe or some other higher power out there, but I do know that we have life in the hear-and-now and that there is no guarantee or warranty on that life. Doing things that make us truly happy (and not masking some type of problem) is the best thing we can do for ourselves when it comes to that "spiritual world". Life can be taken away at any time, it is foolish to waste time battling over belief systems which are allegedly peaceful. Don't get me wrong I do believe that there are basic moral standards that we should live by and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't influenced by western-Christianity, but that does not make it solely "Christian" at the core as they have existed long before the 1st century CE.
It is my desire to live as freely in body, mind, and spirit as possible. Though I sometimes lose perspective, I find myself a happier person when I keep that spiritual freedom close to my heart.
Whoops, this got long! Didn't mean to blog hog!
My reply:
Blog hogging is totally allowed! I always hope that my blogs will make people think and I like to hear where their train of thought is. Also, I like it when people comment on certain points of the blog or ask questions because it gives me a chance to clarify. Sometimes it's hard for me to express myself in a way that others understand and I don't want people to be confused or get the wrong idea from something I said.
Do I totally 100% agree with everything Wicca teaches? Heck no! Just as I don't 100% agree with what SDAs or other Christians teach (although I can say the latter with more confidence because I spent years studying that religion and I've been studying Wicca for only a month or less now). Wiccans also have a lot of false concepts about Christians. You have no idea how much I have to read between the lines sometimes. But, I have to do that when Christians talk about Paganism, too, so...
I'm not interested in getting involved with a church or anything like that. I'm not studying Wicca to make new friends (though that's been a wonderful side-effect, lol!), to get involved with a coven or to perform cool rites. I'm studying Wicca to get closer to my spirituality. Yes, I go to events and meetings with my Pagan friends and I attend workshops but that's about it. I have chosen to be a solitary practitioner (if I were to place myself in the Wiccan category) because I know my spiritual path is my own and only I can walk it. Personally, I just do better by myself (something my church life just would not allow, as you know).
Also, "being Wicca" does not require that you forsake your previous religion. I see obvious examples of this in a pagan group I attend where we have a Jew, a Christian, some Wiccans and some people like me who are just a weird hybrid or lots of things.
But anyway, you're right. Peace is what we aspire to and the peace that my current spiritual path brings me is great (now if only the menopause would leave me alone...). There's no constant need to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, no need to watch your every step in case sin should be lurking. There is only following your heart and taking responsibility for your actions. Works for me, because I swear, if I ever have to go back to my old, "Dear-Lord-forgive-me-I-ate-cheese-and-watched-3-seconds-of-television" life I'll go nuts.
I had been started to read the Harry Potter books when I was twelve and for the first time I discovered the wonder of a escaping into a world more magical than my own. Yes, I went to extremes with it and soon learned what true worship was. I created altars to the world of Harry Potter and became emotionally involved with the story so deeply that it was unhealthy. But that’s another tale. The fact is, I discovered at fourteen that I was capable of creating my own worlds to escape into. Thus, writing and art became my focus.
I had always known, without a doubt, that there was a higher being, a Creator, someone who understood me and loved me. Being brought up a Christian (though a rather nontraditional one) I identified this being as God. I had often felt His presence strongly when I was in church, but not because I listened to the sermon. It was because I was still and listened to that Presence that I could not ignore. The goings-on of the church service meant nothing to me and I assumed they weren’t particularly thrilling to God either since He was obviously wrapped up in a conversation with me.
So when I had this “spiritual awakening” I felt again that Presence, only this time I wasn’t in a church. It was with me all the time. My eyes were opened to the natural world around me and I saw something more beautiful and more spiritual than any church building. I saw Nature. I talked to God through all things that grew, especially trees. I talked to God through the stars, the sun and the moon. However, when I say I “talked” to God I mean that I communed. My words were few, but the language of my heart I let flow towards this Great Spirit. I truly began to believe in magic.
My connection to nature grew very strong and I began to feel individual presences. Earth spirits, if you will. I no longer saw a tree, a flower and a rabbit. Instead I saw a spiritual beings in a spiritual world.
I remember once, when I was walking home from school and talking to nature in soft whispers that no one could hear, that I discovered that I could feel spiritual energy coming from the bush a was running my fingers through. My fingers tingled. I experimented by pulling energy out of the leaves and then sending it back in. To me, this seemed an a very intimate way of communing with the energies in nature. Later I would learn this technique as Reiki and learn how to use it properly not just on plants, but on the human and animal bodies for healing.
My sister and our close friend Jessie became interested in the world of fairies and soon my spiritual tie to the Earth and the Divine took on a more solid outline. We walked any forest we could, calling out fairy chants and leaving gifts of flowers and sweet cakes and drinks, hoping for a glimpse of one of our winged friends. Through this we learned patience, concentration and quietness. We learned how to blend in with the Earth, to feel one with it. Though we knew it not, we had become advanced in meditation.
I also felt a oneness with the trees especially and felt sure that there were spirits or fairies of some kind who lived in them and were the essence of trees. In my backyard there was a particularly handsome tree. I felt a strong connection with it and often spent time sitting underneath it or exploring it (or, at least, the parts I could reach). It wasn’t long after this that I began writing a story about a girl who could talk to plants and animals. This girl had a tree that she confided in named Mr. T. He was based on my favorite tree, which I then began calling by that name and even talking to. At night when I was lonely or couldn’t sleep, I would imagine that Mr. T left his tree and came to sit with me and talk with me.
Me, my sister and Jessie soon found that others shared our love of the Fae, though perhaps in not such a childlike manner. We discovered the wonders of metaphysical shops and New Age music. This soon led me to the internet where I frequented such sites as http://www.newage.com.au. Here is where I, with my spiritual life thirsting, took the lead and started sprinting down the path of this spirituality that centered around nature and the Divine Spirit who made it and dwelt within it. I didn’t read much, though. I found most of the articles hard to read. I wasn’t familiar with any of the terminology or practices. I learned more just by being in nature and going where my heart lead.
This was around the year 2000 and reality shows about haunted houses and spirit mediums were at their height. My sister and our friend were, of course, big fans of these shows. We were soon using the Ouija board, holding séances and doing automatic writing, all of which truly delivered results (much to our pleasure). It wasn’t long before I decided I wanted to be a medium and help spirits on their way to heaven. Unfortunately, we didn’t know how to correctly use a Ouija board and ended up with some bad experiences. I left my desire to be a medium behind at sixteen.
I knew that I was psychic. Granted, I’ve always been very sensitive and spiritual (true to my Cancer zodiac sign) . I cpuldread people very well (though I don’t by any means use this as excuse to judge a person before getting to know them). I got deja vous so much that it became annoying. I would have dreams that came true. However, something more started happening. When talking to Spirits I always heard them better than the others. I was very sensitive towards energies that objects held. For instance, we went to the history museum when I was 14 and I was bombarded with horrifying images of what every artifact has lived though. I was so spooked and overwhelmed by the intensity of events these objects had lived though (this was a World War II museum) that I had to leave and regain my energy and composure.
This same year my liver disease reoccurred in my new liver, which had been transplanted into me three years prior, when I was eleven. I was put on a high dose of steroids at this time and, let me tell you, steroids mess with my emotions. It’s like having horrible PMS, times ten. The steroids not only made me puffy (which is very hard on a girl in middle school who didn’t have many friends or a lot of self-confidence) but I would also start crying for no reason at all. Then I started just feeling numb. I began to hate myself so much that I would cut my arms.
When I was fifteen, almost sixteen, my mom sent me to a therapist she knew.
“You’ll like her, Becca. She’s into very spiritual things, just like you.”
I did like her. Not only was she spiritual, but she had some illnesses just like mine. I wasted no time in telling her that I was a psychic, I wanted to be a spirit medium and urged her to share with me what her spiritual experiences were. She asked if it would be okay if she used the Bible so we could read what it had to say on the matters at hand. I figured, why not? The Bible is a spiritual book, though I’d never read it before.
From them on my Bible studies began and after that led to do a Bible prophecy seminar which then led me to the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. I was now a born-again Christian and not only that I was a fundamentalist born-again Christian. My family was not pleased.
My family are Christians, but they’re more like Unitarians than Seventh - day Adventist. I had been brought up the Episcopal Church, though I don’t remember learning much about God there. Most of what I knew about God my mother had taught me. She taught me that God was both male and female or rather, that God was beyond gender. She taught me to be respectful off all religions and beliefs. Why, growing up we celebrated lots of cultural holidays because my mom wanted us (me and my sister, Natalie) to be culturally informed. We were always given freedom to choose our own paths, but I guess the whole Seventh - day Adventist thing wasn’t exactly what my family had had in mind.
As I progressed in my Christian walk I became more and more conservative. I don’t know why I went to such extremes, but at the time I felt I was doing it do give myself over to God and follow His Law completely and distance myself from worldly things. My Ouija Board, tarot cards and many other such things were given away. I made sure all fiction books (especially Harry Potter) were out of my sight. I wore dresses full time and sometimes even wore a head covering. My rock music was thrown out, I didn’t do anything on Saturdays but go to church, eat, go outside, study my Bible and pray. I took on my role as a mere woman who should always submit to man and cast off my worldly friends.
My life was completely different. Instead of glorying in the Earth I had to be careful to worship the Creator and not the creation. No books of fairy tales were to be seen by my eyes again and the only music that found my ears were hymns.
I struggled so much because I wanted my old life, but I knew it was bad and that hell would be my place if I should return to that old life. I did have wonderful times of communion with God and of being filled with his love, but the style of worship that was expected of me was hard. I wanted to burn incense and candles and have beautiful things on an altar. I wanted to sing songs that spoke to my heart. Somehow I had turned the understanding God of my youth, the God I talked to in the trees and the air and the skies, into a harsh judge. I needed to find my real God again.
When I was nineteen I started to fall away. I became so sick of everything. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Little by little, and full of fear that I would be “caught” I started wearing pants, listening to rock music and doing my hair. At some point I made a huge betrayal of God (in my mind) and set out some cakes in my backyard for the faeries, also saying a little prayer. To me, this was idol worship and a great sin, but it felt so right, so natural and so fulfilling.
I came back to my conservative form of Christianity a few times, but each time I fell away again and always a little further. The biggest rebellion of all was when I started reading Harry Potter again. But by that point I didn’t care if I went to hell or not. At least I was happy and that was all I cared about. I wanted to spend my life being happy and following my heart. And in my heart of hearts I knew the true God didn’t judge me but that I was where I was supposed to be. You can imagine that my Christian friends didn’t take this too well.
Now here I am, 21-years-old and I started looking for the fairies again a few weeks ago. In fact you couldn’t drag me off of my laptop for days. I soon found Wicca which was not at all what I had expected it to be. It wasn’t dark, it was all about oneness with the Earth! The beauty of doing something meaningful with your prayers (doing a spell or rite) spoke straight to my heart. I began contacting pagan groups in Lincoln to find out about classes and things like that. I wasn’t ready to be Wiccan yet or anything, but I was definitely ready to learn. I found some of the most amazing people in these groups and, though they’ve only known me a few weeks, it’s like I’m part of their family now.
I’m starting to feel at home with my spirituality again. The more I read about Wicca the more it speaks to me. So do I worship the devil now? God forbid! I worship the same God whom I have worshipped since my youth. I’m leaning more about His/Her character, too. Do I still believe in the state of the dead? Yes. What about the spirit guides? I’ve gotten to know them again and they are amazing. They need a blog post all their own. How about the Sabbath? I haven’t thought about the Sabbath in a long time. I do still believe it is a blessed day and perhaps I should treat it in a more spiritual matter. However, I will go out and buy lunch on the Sabbath. I just don’t understand anymore why that is such a big deal. Do I still go to church? No. Number one, my health doesn’t always allow me. Number two, even at the best of times I get nothing out of church and usually end up offended anyway. However, I may be attending a Bible study next month.
I want to state now that I do not regret my time as a conservative, Seventh-Day Adventist Christian. I had some truly spiritual times and I was sincere in all I did. When I truly connected with the God I believed in in my heart it was amazing. However, the time has come for me to follow what I believe and what makes me happy. I won’t put labels on myself just yet because my beliefs come from lots of religions, both Pagan and Christian. I figure, if I go to hell at least I lived my life the way I felt was right and I was happy. If something doesn’t feel right or doesn’t make me happy then I won’t do it.
Right now I’m exploring Wicca and Druidry most deeply, although I’m dipping my toes into Shamanism and Eastern religions (I do yoga, meditation and am in the process of getting my Reiki training and attunements).
A lot of my learning is done through book reading, watching stuff on YouTube and reading articles on the internet. Right now my favorite authors are Scott Cunningham, Diane Stein, Silver Ravenwolf and Raven Grimassi. If you want to find out more about what books I read, what websites I frequent and what videos I like, feel free to contact me.
Oh, and by the way, I finished the Harry Potter series but this time in a healthy state of mind. :)
May you all find your spirituality and peace. Blessed Be.
MySpace comment by Seth Duncan:
I don't know you much outside of Unionaires, but I applaud you for seeking the truth for yourself. In spiritual moments of truth the human soul is vulnerable, especially when it has gone through such dramatic polarizations as yours has. I can tell you're thirsty in many ways, and that you hope for your life to benefit this planet. Just keep trusting God to lead you to where your life will find real validation, and where your desire to do His will finds its most obvious outlet. Anytime you're following God, you're right where you need to be. Keep searching for Him, and conversing with Him. I will pray for you.
My reply:
Hi Seth,
I am happily surprised to see that you read and commented on my blog. Thank you! I've read many of your blogs and some of your brother's, too and have found them to be a refreshing reminder of our need for balance, but also the struggle we go through to keep that balance.
You're right, I am thirsty. I've always been thirsty. I'm like a spiritual sponge or something...my poor friends are probably exhausted by my crazy spiritual life.
I do trust God with my life. This is of the utmost importance to me, especially right now while I'm waiting to receive another liver transplant and my health is so bad. When you're so close to death and you spend what feels like half your time in the ER, you just have to trust God. I know He always works out all things for good.
Thank you so much for your prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and it means a lot to me when people pray for me.
MySpace comment from James:
This was a great blog! I enjoyed reading about your spiritual experiences and how you have gotten to where you are now...or back to where you started or somewhere in between, whichever fits best. Stories like this always get me thinking. I make no secret of disillusionment regarding the Seventh-day Adventist Church and Christianity as a whole. While I know that everyone does not feel the same as I do when it comes to religion/spiritual matters, I do believe that everyone can relate to a desire for internal peace. I don't think there is a correct answer to the Wicca or Christianity question you pose to yourself at the end of your blog. Which one brings you peace of mind? No matter what realm a person chooses to search, the ultimate objective is finding that Peace. I will not pretend to know any in-depth details about Wicca (it's pantheistic and generally peaceful), but I do have a good understanding of Christianity (especially SDA) and in my opinion it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I don't mean that as an insult. They are all belief systems attempting to bring people the same thing; peace. Maybe the hippies of the 60s had it right the whole time...
I don't know if there is a God the way Adventists and other Christians believe or some other higher power out there, but I do know that we have life in the hear-and-now and that there is no guarantee or warranty on that life. Doing things that make us truly happy (and not masking some type of problem) is the best thing we can do for ourselves when it comes to that "spiritual world". Life can be taken away at any time, it is foolish to waste time battling over belief systems which are allegedly peaceful. Don't get me wrong I do believe that there are basic moral standards that we should live by and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't influenced by western-Christianity, but that does not make it solely "Christian" at the core as they have existed long before the 1st century CE.
It is my desire to live as freely in body, mind, and spirit as possible. Though I sometimes lose perspective, I find myself a happier person when I keep that spiritual freedom close to my heart.
Whoops, this got long! Didn't mean to blog hog!
My reply:
Blog hogging is totally allowed! I always hope that my blogs will make people think and I like to hear where their train of thought is. Also, I like it when people comment on certain points of the blog or ask questions because it gives me a chance to clarify. Sometimes it's hard for me to express myself in a way that others understand and I don't want people to be confused or get the wrong idea from something I said.
Do I totally 100% agree with everything Wicca teaches? Heck no! Just as I don't 100% agree with what SDAs or other Christians teach (although I can say the latter with more confidence because I spent years studying that religion and I've been studying Wicca for only a month or less now). Wiccans also have a lot of false concepts about Christians. You have no idea how much I have to read between the lines sometimes. But, I have to do that when Christians talk about Paganism, too, so...
I'm not interested in getting involved with a church or anything like that. I'm not studying Wicca to make new friends (though that's been a wonderful side-effect, lol!), to get involved with a coven or to perform cool rites. I'm studying Wicca to get closer to my spirituality. Yes, I go to events and meetings with my Pagan friends and I attend workshops but that's about it. I have chosen to be a solitary practitioner (if I were to place myself in the Wiccan category) because I know my spiritual path is my own and only I can walk it. Personally, I just do better by myself (something my church life just would not allow, as you know).
Also, "being Wicca" does not require that you forsake your previous religion. I see obvious examples of this in a pagan group I attend where we have a Jew, a Christian, some Wiccans and some people like me who are just a weird hybrid or lots of things.
But anyway, you're right. Peace is what we aspire to and the peace that my current spiritual path brings me is great (now if only the menopause would leave me alone...). There's no constant need to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, no need to watch your every step in case sin should be lurking. There is only following your heart and taking responsibility for your actions. Works for me, because I swear, if I ever have to go back to my old, "Dear-Lord-forgive-me-I-ate-cheese-and-watched-3-seconds-of-television" life I'll go nuts.
Holiday Health Update
Hi Everyone,
The past week or so has not been a good one for me health-wise. I overdid it over the weekend (even though my body was telling me to stay home and rest) and then on Monday I collapsed. Actually, I started collapsing Sunday night...The point is, I've spent the week basically not moving from my recliner. My pain hasn't been as bad as usual, but I've been so weak and tired. Sleeping is as hard as ever and the menopause isn't helping with anything. I've been doing a lot of Reiki on myself, which has helped magnificently. So has my work with crystals and gemstones. I've also been using my old methods or aromatherapy, herbal teas, herbal/aromatherapy baths and meditation as well. Sometimes all I have the energy to do is close my eyes and meditate and this gives me a chance to let my imagination soar and do things I can't do in real life!
However, migraines have been an almost daily occurrence. I probably have 1-2 days a week where I don't have a migraine. The rest of the time I'm relying on my Imatrex and natural remedies to get me through it.
The pain doctors are now having me take the 12-hour, slow-release narcotics and only allowing me to use the regular ones when I absolutely have to; and if I do, I have to log it. This has been okay since I've just been staying in, but I rely on those narcotics to allow me to do normal things, like going out with friends or cleaning the rat cages.
This weekend is a busy one for me, what with Yule, getting ready for Christmas, babysitting and an Omaha trip (for fun with friends, not to see doctors). And now I've come down with a lovely cold, so my disappointment that I may have to miss these things is mounting. So is my worry that I won't be able to meet expectations. Speaking of which, if you do not receive a Christmas card or gift from me or receive one late, I am very sorry. I've been trying my hardest, but there's only so much I can do and I've already run myself into the ground with overwork many times these past couple of months. My mom, also, has been working like a mad woman to make money and, in her spare time, to take care of me and my sister. So I apologize ahead of time for any lack of gifts or cards. I have not forgotten you!
Blessings to you all!
The past week or so has not been a good one for me health-wise. I overdid it over the weekend (even though my body was telling me to stay home and rest) and then on Monday I collapsed. Actually, I started collapsing Sunday night...The point is, I've spent the week basically not moving from my recliner. My pain hasn't been as bad as usual, but I've been so weak and tired. Sleeping is as hard as ever and the menopause isn't helping with anything. I've been doing a lot of Reiki on myself, which has helped magnificently. So has my work with crystals and gemstones. I've also been using my old methods or aromatherapy, herbal teas, herbal/aromatherapy baths and meditation as well. Sometimes all I have the energy to do is close my eyes and meditate and this gives me a chance to let my imagination soar and do things I can't do in real life!
However, migraines have been an almost daily occurrence. I probably have 1-2 days a week where I don't have a migraine. The rest of the time I'm relying on my Imatrex and natural remedies to get me through it.
The pain doctors are now having me take the 12-hour, slow-release narcotics and only allowing me to use the regular ones when I absolutely have to; and if I do, I have to log it. This has been okay since I've just been staying in, but I rely on those narcotics to allow me to do normal things, like going out with friends or cleaning the rat cages.
This weekend is a busy one for me, what with Yule, getting ready for Christmas, babysitting and an Omaha trip (for fun with friends, not to see doctors). And now I've come down with a lovely cold, so my disappointment that I may have to miss these things is mounting. So is my worry that I won't be able to meet expectations. Speaking of which, if you do not receive a Christmas card or gift from me or receive one late, I am very sorry. I've been trying my hardest, but there's only so much I can do and I've already run myself into the ground with overwork many times these past couple of months. My mom, also, has been working like a mad woman to make money and, in her spare time, to take care of me and my sister. So I apologize ahead of time for any lack of gifts or cards. I have not forgotten you!
Blessings to you all!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Brief Spiritual History
Before you read this blog, think on this: If you have nothing nice to say when commenting on it, don't say anything at all. Some of you will understand where I'm coming from and some of you will try to smash a Bible over my head. If you are intending on the latter please don't comment on this blog. Or better yet, don't read it. I will delete the comments I find offensive.
That said, I'm sorry this is long, but it's the best I could do for a "brief" history:
When I was fourteen I experienced a “spiritual awakening”. I can’t really explain what happened. All I know is that one day, as I was lost in thought, I suddenly realized what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, or some other kind of artist, but that seems so insignificant now. It was like the simple knowing of seeing a road ahead of me opened me up somehow to higher things. I saw the world in this new light and it was alive, beautiful and, well, spiritual. It was as if a veil lifted and I could see the spiritual world and the physical. My heart opened and overflowed.
I had always known, without a doubt, that there was a higher being, a Creator, someone who understood me and loved me. Being brought up a Christian (though a rather nontraditional one) I identified this being as God. I had often felt His presence strongly when I was in church, but not because I listened to the sermon. It was because I was still and listened to that Presence that I could not ignore. The goings-on of the church service meant nothing to me and I assumed they weren’t particularly thrilling to God either since He was obviously wrapped up in a conversation with me.
So when I had this “spiritual awakening” I felt again that Presence, only this time I wasn’t in a church. It was with me all the time. My eyes were opened to the natural world around me and I saw something more beautiful and more spiritual than any church building. I saw Nature. I talked to God through all things that grew, especially trees. I talked to God through the stars, the sun and the moon. However, when I say I “talked” to God I mean that I communed. My words were few, but the language of my heart I let flow towards this Great Spirit. I truly began to believe in magic.
My sister and our close friend became interested in the world of fairies and soon my spiritual tie to the Earth and the Divine took on a more solid outline. We walked any forest we could, calling out fairy chants and leaving gifts of flowers and sweet cakes and drinks, hoping for a glimpse of one of our winged friends. Through this we learned patience, concentration and quietness. We learned how to blend in with the Earth, to feel one with it. Though we knew it not, we had become advanced in meditation.
I also felt a oneness with the trees and felt sure that there were spirits or fairies of some kind who lived in and were the essence of trees. In my backyard there was a particularly handsome tree. I felt a strong connection with it and often spent time sitting underneath it or exploring it (or, at least, the parts I could reach). It wasn’t long after this that I began writing a story about a girl who could talk to plants and animals. This girl had a tree that she confided in named Mr. T. He was based on my favorite tree, which I then began calling by that name and even talking to. At night when I was lonely or couldn’t sleep, I would imagine that Mr. T left his tree and came to sit with me and talk with me.
Me, myy sister and friend soon found that others shared our love of the Fae, though perhaps in not such a childlike manner. We discovered the wonders of metaphysical shops and New Age music. This soon led me to the internet where I frequented such sites as http://www.newage.com.au. Here is where I, with my spiritual life thirsting, took the lead and started sprinting down the path of this spirituality that centered around nature and the Divine Spirit who made it and dwelt within it. I didn’t read much, though. I found most of the articles hard to read. I wasn’t familiar with any of the terminology or practices. I learned more just by being in nature and going where my heart lead.
This was around the year 2000 and reality shows about haunted houses and spirit mediums were at their height. My sister and our friend were, of course, big fans of these shows. We were soon using the Ouija board, holding séances and doing automatic writing, all of which truly delivered results (much to our pleasure). It wasn’t long before I decided I wanted to be a medium and help spirits on their way to heaven.
I knew that I was psychic. Granted, I’ve always been very sensitive and spiritual. I can often read people very well (though I don’t by any means use this as excuse to judge a person before getting to know them). However, something more started happening. When talking to Spirits I always heard them better than the others. I was very sensitive towards energies that objects held. For instance, we went to the history museum when I was 14 and I was bombarded with horrifying images of what every artifact has lived though. I was so spooked and overwhelmed by the intensity of events these objects had lived though (this was a World War II museum) that I had to leave and regain my energy and composure.
This same year my liver disease reoccurred in my new liver, which had been transplanted into me three years prior, when I was eleven. I was put on a high dose of steroids at this time and, let me tell you, steroids mess with my emotions. It’s like having horrible PMS, times ten. The steroids not only made me puffy (which is very hard on a girl in middle school who didn’t have many friends or a lot of self-confidence) but I would also start crying for no reason at all. Then I started just feeling numb. I began to hate myself so much that I would cut my arms.
When I was fifteen, almost sixteen, my mom sent me to a therapist she knew.
“You’ll like her, Becca. She’s into very spiritual things, just like you.”
I did like her. Not only was she spiritual, but she had some illnesses just like mine. I wasted no time in telling her that I was a psychic, I wanted to be a spirit medium and urged her to share with me what her spiritual experiences were. She asked if it would be okay if she used the Bible so we could read what it had to say on the matters at hand. I figured, why not? The Bible is a spiritual book, though I’d never read it before.
From them on my Bible studies began and after that led to do a Bible prophecy seminar which then led me to the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. I was now a born-again Christian and not only that I was a fundamentalist born-again Christian. My family was not pleased.
My family are Christians, but they’re more like Unitarians than Seventh - day Adventist. I had been brought up the Episcopal Church, though I don’t remember learning much about God there. Most of what I knew about God my mother had taught me. She taught me that God was both male and female or rather, that God was beyond gender. She taught me to be respectful off all religions and beliefs. Why, growing up we celebrated lots of cultural holidays because my mom wanted us (me and my sister, Natalie) to be culturally informed. We were always given freedom to choose our own paths, but I guess the whole Seventh - day Adventist thing wasn’t exactly what my family had had in mind.
As I progressed in my Christian walk I became more and more conservative. I don’t know why I went to such extremes, but at the time I felt I was doing it do give myself over to God and follow His Law completely and distance myself from worldly things. My Ouija Board, tarot cards and many other such things were given away. I kept all fiction books (especially Harry Potter) out of my sight. I wore dresses full time and sometimes even wore a head covering. My rock music was thrown out, I didn’t do anything on Saturdays but go to church, eat, go outside, study my Bible and pray. I took on my role as a mere woman who should always submit to man and cast off my worldly friends.
My life was completely different. Instead of glorying in the Earth I had to be careful to worship the Creator and not the creation. No books of fairy tales were to be seen by my eyes again and the only music that found my ears were hymns.
I struggled so much because I wanted my old life, but I knew it was bad and that hell would be my place if I should return to that old life. I did have wonderful times of communion with God and of being filled with his love, but the style of worship that was expected of me was hard. I wanted to burn incense and candles and have beautiful things on an altar. I wanted to sing songs that spoke to my heart. Somehow I had turned the understanding God of my youth, the God I talked to in the trees and the air and the skies, into a harsh judge. I needed to find my real God again.
When I was nineteen I started to fall away. I became so sick of everything. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Little by little, and full of fear that I would be “caught” I started wearing pants, listening to rock music and doing my hair. At some point I made a huge betrayal of God (in my mind) and set out some cakes in my backyard for the faeries, also saying a little prayer. To me, this was idol worship.
I came back to my conservative form of Christianity a few times, but each time I fell away again and always a little further. The biggest rebellion of all was when I started reading Harry Potter again. But by that point I didn’t care if I went to hell or not. At least I was happy and that was all I cared about. I wanted to spend my life being happy and following my heart. And in my heart of hearts I knew the true God didn’t judge me but that I was where I was supposed to be. You can imagine that my Christian friends didn’t take this too well.
Now here I am, 21-years-old and I started looking for the fairies again a few weeks ago. In fact you couldn’t drag me off of my laptop for days. I soon found Wicca which was not at all what I had expected it to be. It wasn’t dark, it was all about oneness with the Earth! The beauty of doing something meaningful with your prayers (doing a spell or rite) spoke straight to my heart. I began contacting pagan groups in Lincoln to find out about classes and things like that. I wasn’t ready to be Wiccan yet or anything, but I was definitely ready to learn. I found some of the most amazing people in these groups and, though they’ve only known me a few weeks, it’s like I’m part of their family now.
I’m starting to feel at home with my spirituality again. The more I read about Wicca the more it speaks to me. So do I worship the devil now? God forbid! I worship the same God whom I have worshipped since my youth. I’m leaning more about His/Her character, too. Do I still believe in the state of the dead? Yes. What about the spirit guides? I’ve gotten to know them again and they are amazing. They need a blog post all their own. How about the Sabbath? I haven’t thought about the Sabbath in a long time. I do still believe it is a blessed day and perhaps I should treat it in a more spiritual matter. However, I will go out and buy lunch on the Sabbath. I just don’t understand anymore why that is such a big deal. Do I still go to church? No. Number one, my health doesn’t always allow me. Number 2, even at the best of times I get nothing out of church and usually end up offended anyway. However, I may be attending a Bible study next month.
So which is it? Wicca or Christianity? The answer: I don’t know. I’m only walking the path and making the choices as I go.
That said, I'm sorry this is long, but it's the best I could do for a "brief" history:
When I was fourteen I experienced a “spiritual awakening”. I can’t really explain what happened. All I know is that one day, as I was lost in thought, I suddenly realized what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, or some other kind of artist, but that seems so insignificant now. It was like the simple knowing of seeing a road ahead of me opened me up somehow to higher things. I saw the world in this new light and it was alive, beautiful and, well, spiritual. It was as if a veil lifted and I could see the spiritual world and the physical. My heart opened and overflowed.
I had always known, without a doubt, that there was a higher being, a Creator, someone who understood me and loved me. Being brought up a Christian (though a rather nontraditional one) I identified this being as God. I had often felt His presence strongly when I was in church, but not because I listened to the sermon. It was because I was still and listened to that Presence that I could not ignore. The goings-on of the church service meant nothing to me and I assumed they weren’t particularly thrilling to God either since He was obviously wrapped up in a conversation with me.
So when I had this “spiritual awakening” I felt again that Presence, only this time I wasn’t in a church. It was with me all the time. My eyes were opened to the natural world around me and I saw something more beautiful and more spiritual than any church building. I saw Nature. I talked to God through all things that grew, especially trees. I talked to God through the stars, the sun and the moon. However, when I say I “talked” to God I mean that I communed. My words were few, but the language of my heart I let flow towards this Great Spirit. I truly began to believe in magic.
My sister and our close friend became interested in the world of fairies and soon my spiritual tie to the Earth and the Divine took on a more solid outline. We walked any forest we could, calling out fairy chants and leaving gifts of flowers and sweet cakes and drinks, hoping for a glimpse of one of our winged friends. Through this we learned patience, concentration and quietness. We learned how to blend in with the Earth, to feel one with it. Though we knew it not, we had become advanced in meditation.
I also felt a oneness with the trees and felt sure that there were spirits or fairies of some kind who lived in and were the essence of trees. In my backyard there was a particularly handsome tree. I felt a strong connection with it and often spent time sitting underneath it or exploring it (or, at least, the parts I could reach). It wasn’t long after this that I began writing a story about a girl who could talk to plants and animals. This girl had a tree that she confided in named Mr. T. He was based on my favorite tree, which I then began calling by that name and even talking to. At night when I was lonely or couldn’t sleep, I would imagine that Mr. T left his tree and came to sit with me and talk with me.
Me, myy sister and friend soon found that others shared our love of the Fae, though perhaps in not such a childlike manner. We discovered the wonders of metaphysical shops and New Age music. This soon led me to the internet where I frequented such sites as http://www.newage.com.au. Here is where I, with my spiritual life thirsting, took the lead and started sprinting down the path of this spirituality that centered around nature and the Divine Spirit who made it and dwelt within it. I didn’t read much, though. I found most of the articles hard to read. I wasn’t familiar with any of the terminology or practices. I learned more just by being in nature and going where my heart lead.
This was around the year 2000 and reality shows about haunted houses and spirit mediums were at their height. My sister and our friend were, of course, big fans of these shows. We were soon using the Ouija board, holding séances and doing automatic writing, all of which truly delivered results (much to our pleasure). It wasn’t long before I decided I wanted to be a medium and help spirits on their way to heaven.
I knew that I was psychic. Granted, I’ve always been very sensitive and spiritual. I can often read people very well (though I don’t by any means use this as excuse to judge a person before getting to know them). However, something more started happening. When talking to Spirits I always heard them better than the others. I was very sensitive towards energies that objects held. For instance, we went to the history museum when I was 14 and I was bombarded with horrifying images of what every artifact has lived though. I was so spooked and overwhelmed by the intensity of events these objects had lived though (this was a World War II museum) that I had to leave and regain my energy and composure.
This same year my liver disease reoccurred in my new liver, which had been transplanted into me three years prior, when I was eleven. I was put on a high dose of steroids at this time and, let me tell you, steroids mess with my emotions. It’s like having horrible PMS, times ten. The steroids not only made me puffy (which is very hard on a girl in middle school who didn’t have many friends or a lot of self-confidence) but I would also start crying for no reason at all. Then I started just feeling numb. I began to hate myself so much that I would cut my arms.
When I was fifteen, almost sixteen, my mom sent me to a therapist she knew.
“You’ll like her, Becca. She’s into very spiritual things, just like you.”
I did like her. Not only was she spiritual, but she had some illnesses just like mine. I wasted no time in telling her that I was a psychic, I wanted to be a spirit medium and urged her to share with me what her spiritual experiences were. She asked if it would be okay if she used the Bible so we could read what it had to say on the matters at hand. I figured, why not? The Bible is a spiritual book, though I’d never read it before.
From them on my Bible studies began and after that led to do a Bible prophecy seminar which then led me to the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. I was now a born-again Christian and not only that I was a fundamentalist born-again Christian. My family was not pleased.
My family are Christians, but they’re more like Unitarians than Seventh - day Adventist. I had been brought up the Episcopal Church, though I don’t remember learning much about God there. Most of what I knew about God my mother had taught me. She taught me that God was both male and female or rather, that God was beyond gender. She taught me to be respectful off all religions and beliefs. Why, growing up we celebrated lots of cultural holidays because my mom wanted us (me and my sister, Natalie) to be culturally informed. We were always given freedom to choose our own paths, but I guess the whole Seventh - day Adventist thing wasn’t exactly what my family had had in mind.
As I progressed in my Christian walk I became more and more conservative. I don’t know why I went to such extremes, but at the time I felt I was doing it do give myself over to God and follow His Law completely and distance myself from worldly things. My Ouija Board, tarot cards and many other such things were given away. I kept all fiction books (especially Harry Potter) out of my sight. I wore dresses full time and sometimes even wore a head covering. My rock music was thrown out, I didn’t do anything on Saturdays but go to church, eat, go outside, study my Bible and pray. I took on my role as a mere woman who should always submit to man and cast off my worldly friends.
My life was completely different. Instead of glorying in the Earth I had to be careful to worship the Creator and not the creation. No books of fairy tales were to be seen by my eyes again and the only music that found my ears were hymns.
I struggled so much because I wanted my old life, but I knew it was bad and that hell would be my place if I should return to that old life. I did have wonderful times of communion with God and of being filled with his love, but the style of worship that was expected of me was hard. I wanted to burn incense and candles and have beautiful things on an altar. I wanted to sing songs that spoke to my heart. Somehow I had turned the understanding God of my youth, the God I talked to in the trees and the air and the skies, into a harsh judge. I needed to find my real God again.
When I was nineteen I started to fall away. I became so sick of everything. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Little by little, and full of fear that I would be “caught” I started wearing pants, listening to rock music and doing my hair. At some point I made a huge betrayal of God (in my mind) and set out some cakes in my backyard for the faeries, also saying a little prayer. To me, this was idol worship.
I came back to my conservative form of Christianity a few times, but each time I fell away again and always a little further. The biggest rebellion of all was when I started reading Harry Potter again. But by that point I didn’t care if I went to hell or not. At least I was happy and that was all I cared about. I wanted to spend my life being happy and following my heart. And in my heart of hearts I knew the true God didn’t judge me but that I was where I was supposed to be. You can imagine that my Christian friends didn’t take this too well.
Now here I am, 21-years-old and I started looking for the fairies again a few weeks ago. In fact you couldn’t drag me off of my laptop for days. I soon found Wicca which was not at all what I had expected it to be. It wasn’t dark, it was all about oneness with the Earth! The beauty of doing something meaningful with your prayers (doing a spell or rite) spoke straight to my heart. I began contacting pagan groups in Lincoln to find out about classes and things like that. I wasn’t ready to be Wiccan yet or anything, but I was definitely ready to learn. I found some of the most amazing people in these groups and, though they’ve only known me a few weeks, it’s like I’m part of their family now.
I’m starting to feel at home with my spirituality again. The more I read about Wicca the more it speaks to me. So do I worship the devil now? God forbid! I worship the same God whom I have worshipped since my youth. I’m leaning more about His/Her character, too. Do I still believe in the state of the dead? Yes. What about the spirit guides? I’ve gotten to know them again and they are amazing. They need a blog post all their own. How about the Sabbath? I haven’t thought about the Sabbath in a long time. I do still believe it is a blessed day and perhaps I should treat it in a more spiritual matter. However, I will go out and buy lunch on the Sabbath. I just don’t understand anymore why that is such a big deal. Do I still go to church? No. Number one, my health doesn’t always allow me. Number 2, even at the best of times I get nothing out of church and usually end up offended anyway. However, I may be attending a Bible study next month.
So which is it? Wicca or Christianity? The answer: I don’t know. I’m only walking the path and making the choices as I go.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Health Update
Hi everyone,
I know it's been a VERY long time since I've written a health update. Again, not a lot has been going on. I've had some really good days and some really bad days. A few days ago I was in the ER for a pain episode. It started at 8 PM so I loaded up on the heavy drugs and prayed they'd kick in soon. Well, they didn't and it wasn't long before I was puking my guts out as well. I tried so hard to deal with things at home, but it got to the point where I was severely dehydrated, exhausted and still in pain after copious amounts of narcotics. We weren't getting anywhere and it hadn't been worth the hours of agony to try and do things at home so around midnight mom and I headed for the ER.
Then we had the normal problem of getting an IV in me, made so much worse by my dehydration. Some IV goddess eventually came in and made it look easy as pie. Still, one of the most painful IV experiences I've had. I'm sure there were some people down the hall scared out of their wits by my screaming. I got lots of morphine and nausea drugs, not to mention glorious IV fluids (thank you God for IV fluids!) I was feeling a little better. Well, I felt well enough to stand for an X-ray and memorize the Spanish word for pregnancy. I was not thrilled, however, to see my X-ray up on a screen where my chest was more visible than I would have liked it to be for the elderly male X-ray tech.
Anyway, it was weird because usually the pain drugs worked and this time they weren't. They even switched me to the super morphine stuff and even that didn't make a huge difference. The nausea med did help, however and I was finally able to drink some water. I was eventually sent home since my X-ray looked normal. At home I continued to medicate through the night and was still in a lot of pain. I was able to sleep, though and that was a huge plus.
I was still sleeping a lot and having extra pain through to Thanksgiving. However, on Friday I seemed to be doing better. I'm still not tip-top but I did manage to clean the rat cages myself and even do some Black Friday shopping, so I'm pretty proud of myself.
I know it's been a VERY long time since I've written a health update. Again, not a lot has been going on. I've had some really good days and some really bad days. A few days ago I was in the ER for a pain episode. It started at 8 PM so I loaded up on the heavy drugs and prayed they'd kick in soon. Well, they didn't and it wasn't long before I was puking my guts out as well. I tried so hard to deal with things at home, but it got to the point where I was severely dehydrated, exhausted and still in pain after copious amounts of narcotics. We weren't getting anywhere and it hadn't been worth the hours of agony to try and do things at home so around midnight mom and I headed for the ER.
Then we had the normal problem of getting an IV in me, made so much worse by my dehydration. Some IV goddess eventually came in and made it look easy as pie. Still, one of the most painful IV experiences I've had. I'm sure there were some people down the hall scared out of their wits by my screaming. I got lots of morphine and nausea drugs, not to mention glorious IV fluids (thank you God for IV fluids!) I was feeling a little better. Well, I felt well enough to stand for an X-ray and memorize the Spanish word for pregnancy. I was not thrilled, however, to see my X-ray up on a screen where my chest was more visible than I would have liked it to be for the elderly male X-ray tech.
Anyway, it was weird because usually the pain drugs worked and this time they weren't. They even switched me to the super morphine stuff and even that didn't make a huge difference. The nausea med did help, however and I was finally able to drink some water. I was eventually sent home since my X-ray looked normal. At home I continued to medicate through the night and was still in a lot of pain. I was able to sleep, though and that was a huge plus.
I was still sleeping a lot and having extra pain through to Thanksgiving. However, on Friday I seemed to be doing better. I'm still not tip-top but I did manage to clean the rat cages myself and even do some Black Friday shopping, so I'm pretty proud of myself.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Mr. T
**pictures from magazines were posted in my journal with captions**
The previous was posted on a night when my sleeping pill got the best of me. Nevertheless, I see the outline to a story.
The weather has been nice lately. Very nice. Today it is horribly windy, though. I can feel the great Nebraskan allergies flying up my nose. It has gotten so warm that new buds and leaves have formed on the branches. This is typical for a Nebraskan autumn, though.
The sun is starting to set and I have had my time with the trees. I’ve collected some leaves for pressing as well.
I have been thinking much on faerie lately and how much I love the trees. There are faerie men inside I like to think. Like guardian angels and we all have one. Mr. T was a tree at my old house and a good friend of mine. He was, of course, in my story which I never finished. I have fantasies of going to see him again.
The previous was posted on a night when my sleeping pill got the best of me. Nevertheless, I see the outline to a story.
The weather has been nice lately. Very nice. Today it is horribly windy, though. I can feel the great Nebraskan allergies flying up my nose. It has gotten so warm that new buds and leaves have formed on the branches. This is typical for a Nebraskan autumn, though.
The sun is starting to set and I have had my time with the trees. I’ve collected some leaves for pressing as well.
I have been thinking much on faerie lately and how much I love the trees. There are faerie men inside I like to think. Like guardian angels and we all have one. Mr. T was a tree at my old house and a good friend of mine. He was, of course, in my story which I never finished. I have fantasies of going to see him again.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Photos from Rayne's House
I stayed at Rayne's house for about three days and two nights because I had a couple appointments in Omaha.Click on the picture to see more pictures and videos from my visit. There isn't much and it isn't all that exciting, but I thought I'd put them up anyway.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sleepy In the Doctor's Office
The quiet humming of this room makes the tranquil world seem unreal. The sickly tranquility of waiting in a doctor’s office. I want to leave because there is so much left to do, experience and share today. I wouldn’t mind a nap in the car, either.
After a quiet but busy stay at the Mazur family’s home I’ve accumulated many gifts of the crocheted variety and the pet variety. Coming home with us are the two hairless dumbo girls, Pumpkin and Bunny Foo Foo, and Mr. Darcy the beta fish.
I will miss being at Rayne’s house, but I’m excited to get home and incorporate all my new things into my life.
This is an awfully long wait to see the psychiatrist. They already had to postpone my appointment by an hour and here I am, still waiting. The doctor is twenty-five minutes late at this time. My eyes are closing.
I kept falling asleep, but the doctor finally came. Now I’m waiting for Ginny to come get me. There are dozens of ladybugs on the building. Strange.
After a quiet but busy stay at the Mazur family’s home I’ve accumulated many gifts of the crocheted variety and the pet variety. Coming home with us are the two hairless dumbo girls, Pumpkin and Bunny Foo Foo, and Mr. Darcy the beta fish.
I will miss being at Rayne’s house, but I’m excited to get home and incorporate all my new things into my life.
This is an awfully long wait to see the psychiatrist. They already had to postpone my appointment by an hour and here I am, still waiting. The doctor is twenty-five minutes late at this time. My eyes are closing.
I kept falling asleep, but the doctor finally came. Now I’m waiting for Ginny to come get me. There are dozens of ladybugs on the building. Strange.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
More ER Fun
Hello all,
Today started out okay. I thought myself well enough to brave our normal Sunday morning routine of going to Barnes and Noble. After awhile, though, I started to have pain which quickly turned into a horrible episode. We left right away and my sister dropped my mom and I off at the ER. I was spared a CT scan because I've had so many and the doctor didn't want to up my cancer risk by exposing me to more radiation. I got an X-ray instead and this time I was full of gas! Lovely. The doctor said my X-ray looked just like the ones they see for really colic-y babies. So, after two doses of morphine and a heafy dose of anti-nausea med I was ready to go home. I'm to take Gas-X and do the catnip tea thing.
And that was my day.
Becca
Today started out okay. I thought myself well enough to brave our normal Sunday morning routine of going to Barnes and Noble. After awhile, though, I started to have pain which quickly turned into a horrible episode. We left right away and my sister dropped my mom and I off at the ER. I was spared a CT scan because I've had so many and the doctor didn't want to up my cancer risk by exposing me to more radiation. I got an X-ray instead and this time I was full of gas! Lovely. The doctor said my X-ray looked just like the ones they see for really colic-y babies. So, after two doses of morphine and a heafy dose of anti-nausea med I was ready to go home. I'm to take Gas-X and do the catnip tea thing.
And that was my day.
Becca
Friday, October 17, 2008
Boring, Poetic, Rambling
Last night was horrid. I suppose I ate too much before bed. And then there’s the matter of my bowels being still clogged up. Anyway, I was in half wakefulness fighting awful nausea until forty-past-two in the morning when I declared it too much and woke my mother. God bless her, she went straight to the pharmacy to pick up my Zofran.
Unfortunately, the Zofran did little for me. I was also most annoyingly restless. After taking some pain medication and my anti-anxiety pill I paced from the front door to the breakfast nook. Soon I was able to truly relax in my recliner and get a few hours precious sleep before I had to wake and make myself ready to see the doctor.
Not long before falling asleep I felt the peculiar feeling of my blood vessels either narrowing or expanding. It does not hurt, it is just strange and almost seems to make one go limp for a time. The thing was explained almost immediately--it started to rain.
The weather is fairly good today: a slight autumn chill with sunshine.
I feel not able to write about the outings of my short day for I feel I must take a nap presently
I again, as yesterday, slept away the dinner hours. I did in fact sleep for almost five hours this time. And again I was disturbed by my mother who spent some length of time on my computer.
I was eventually forced to leave my recliner and ready myself for bed while mom tended to the rats. And so here I am now at the midnight hour. I’ve read through at least three prefaces and the first two chapters of Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.
I did nothing today that I should have done except appear at the doctor’s and do one load of laundry.
Mom and I went to Barnes and Noble after my appointment. I had a bottle of cherry and pomegranate juice, most of my berry pastry and most of my half of a pesto, cheese and tomato sandwich (I removed all but one of the tomatoes).
Mom had to leave to meet Ginny at a doctor’s appointment so Gramma came and got me and we stopped at Ideal. She helped me select a strip steak and some veal cutlets. I am perhaps the most ignorant of all people on the subject of meat. I managed to cook my strip steak myself and to my satisfaction. Gramma has promised to teach me to prepare the cutlets tomorrow. I was also glad to treat myself my favorite kind of goat cheese and a loaf of beer wheat bread from the Grain Bin while we were at the store. Oh, and I mustn’t forget the clotted cream!
The doctor says I still have much stool in me, so my poor weight is even poorer than I thought. I now weigh around 116 pounds.
I hope that this night affords me more sleep and tomorrow more wakefulness. And now I lay my head once more to the pillow, weigh down my limbs with quilts and pray that God dusts my eyes with stars and crowns my head with moonbeams until such a time as I am rested and ready to walk forthwith again.
Unfortunately, the Zofran did little for me. I was also most annoyingly restless. After taking some pain medication and my anti-anxiety pill I paced from the front door to the breakfast nook. Soon I was able to truly relax in my recliner and get a few hours precious sleep before I had to wake and make myself ready to see the doctor.
Not long before falling asleep I felt the peculiar feeling of my blood vessels either narrowing or expanding. It does not hurt, it is just strange and almost seems to make one go limp for a time. The thing was explained almost immediately--it started to rain.
The weather is fairly good today: a slight autumn chill with sunshine.
I feel not able to write about the outings of my short day for I feel I must take a nap presently
I again, as yesterday, slept away the dinner hours. I did in fact sleep for almost five hours this time. And again I was disturbed by my mother who spent some length of time on my computer.
I was eventually forced to leave my recliner and ready myself for bed while mom tended to the rats. And so here I am now at the midnight hour. I’ve read through at least three prefaces and the first two chapters of Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.
I did nothing today that I should have done except appear at the doctor’s and do one load of laundry.
Mom and I went to Barnes and Noble after my appointment. I had a bottle of cherry and pomegranate juice, most of my berry pastry and most of my half of a pesto, cheese and tomato sandwich (I removed all but one of the tomatoes).
Mom had to leave to meet Ginny at a doctor’s appointment so Gramma came and got me and we stopped at Ideal. She helped me select a strip steak and some veal cutlets. I am perhaps the most ignorant of all people on the subject of meat. I managed to cook my strip steak myself and to my satisfaction. Gramma has promised to teach me to prepare the cutlets tomorrow. I was also glad to treat myself my favorite kind of goat cheese and a loaf of beer wheat bread from the Grain Bin while we were at the store. Oh, and I mustn’t forget the clotted cream!
The doctor says I still have much stool in me, so my poor weight is even poorer than I thought. I now weigh around 116 pounds.
I hope that this night affords me more sleep and tomorrow more wakefulness. And now I lay my head once more to the pillow, weigh down my limbs with quilts and pray that God dusts my eyes with stars and crowns my head with moonbeams until such a time as I am rested and ready to walk forthwith again.
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