Getting Ready For Sabbath: Observations

The pre-Sabbath rat cage cleaning is made difficut by heathen fuzzies. Somebody, I still don't know who, stole a box of my Junior Mints. I just happened to hear them rattling the box under my bed. So there I am on the floor with my head stuck under the bed yelling at who knows which rat, "GIMMIE MY CHOCOLATE!!!". Francis and some other rat came over, obviously trying to distract me, and started grooming my face with zeal. I tried to fight them off, but eventually I just had to pull out the bed to get to my mints. I hope God knows what I go through to get ready for Sabbath....*sigh*Meanwhile...why in the world is Greenpeace sending me address labels with whales on them? Being a vet tech/animal welfare activist is like being an Adventist: you end up recycling a lot of useless paper you get in the mail. Bah, it's sunny outside. I ain't gonna sit in front of my computer writing a pointless blog. Toddles!

The Harry Potter Surprise

About a month ago I decided to go back to Harry Potter. I had distanced myself from anything to do with the phenomenon for three years. Maybe my conscience was seared, but it didn't feel like a huge scary step to me. And while the experience of re-reading the fifth book, reading the sixth book for the first time and watching all the current movies was engrossing, I didn't turn into a tortured soul like my younger years. Life carried on.

My sister was re-reading the last two books in preparation for the seventh and final book. I yearned to join her and talk with her about Harry Potter things, just like old times. I realized, in my reading, that I could trace the pattern of my teenage years through these books. Not only did Harry Potter seem to be going through some of the same challenges that I had, but I could remember other details of what had been going on in my life when I had read each book, seen each movie. My life was shaped and patterned around Harry Potter's from the time I was twelve to the time I turned sixteen.

And so there I was, reading again and remembering. I knew what I was doing was wrong and part of me feared that, from Satan's point of view, I had made the final surrender. I told no one of my little adventure, partly out of pride and partly because I really did want to do this thing quietly. I didn't want to get caught up in the scene. I was sick of the scene.

My close friends knew, but that had been with me through my "Harry Potter years". Talking to them about Potter stuff was a comfort rather than a frustration. It felt like…my youth. But I couldn't stand talking to anyone else about it.

Soon I had caught up on my reading and movie viewing. I had a short reprieve until the seventh and final book came out. Surprisingly, I started to really come back to God during this time. I'm not sure why, but I have a few guesses. Maybe the seeds from family camp had started to grow. Maybe it was because I was so enthralled with the book I was reading, The Visitation. Maybe now that I had done the worst I was capable of doing I could only go uphill, back towards God. That is not to say that I didn't love God all that time, but I wasn't living for Him as I should have been.

I told myself often that I should make that choice now and stop this Potter business and make a full surrender to God. But I chose not to. I had to see this through or I would never be able to leave my teenage years behind me.

Last night I finished reading the last book. Harry lived, quite frankly, happily ever after and now, I could too. There is was, the conclusion to my teenage years. I could live on never having to worry. Never having to be haunted about Harry Potter.

Today, the day after, I feel the tell-tale signs of an unexplainable Potter depression; but my sister says this will pass in a day or two. It happened to her, too. But I am glad and thanking God for this new beginning.

Patience
By Take That

Just have a little patience

Still hurting from a love I lost,

Feeling your frustration,
Any minute all the pain will stop,

Just hold, me close, inside your arms,

tonight,don't be too hard on my emotions,

'Cause I, need time.

My heart is numb, has no feeling.

So while I'm still healing,

Just try, and have a little patience

I really want to start over again,

I know you wanna be my salvation.

The one that I could always depend,

I'll try to be strong believe me,

I'm trying to move on,

It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause I, need time,

My heart is numb has no feeling,

So while I'm still healing,

Just try, and have a little patience,

have a little patience,

'Cause the scars run so deep,

It's been hard

But I have to believe.

Recycling

As a Seventh-Day Adventist, my recycle bin fills up with donation envelopes.

God sped

Well, I've been hard at work with school and writing The Master Painter. Huge props to my friend Becky for being the editor of my dreams. As they say, to write is human, to edit is divine. With Becky's help this story is coming together and I hope to finish it in about a week.
In rodent news, we have a new mouse named Twinkle and my dear Biscuit died. Biscuit wasn't my rat, but a friend's. Last time I saw him he was just a tiny baby and he would be almost a year old now.
I saw a licence plate the other day that read "GOD SPED". I think it was supposed to say 'God speed' but all it ended up doing was accusing God of not obeying traffic laws. Mildly humorous.
So it's a Sabbath afternoon and I'm bored out of my socks. I should really go take a shower or at least change clothes since I have the Slobber of the Northside Church Babies all over me.
Nakies is up for her afternoon constitutional. She says hi. I love my Nakies...:-)

My First Post

Oh my. It's my first post on Blogger. Salutations world-of-blogging-on Blogger! So far I like it.
I'm being lazy thing morning. I was supposed to be at College View Church (CVC) at 8 AM since Unionaires in singing for both services. It's 10:13 and I am still in my pajamas...
I thought about it and thought about it and eventually decided that, what with my health being in such a delicate state, I needed to rest and take it easy today. Tomorrow will be very busy and I'll need my energy.
There is still a possibility that I will go and perform for the second service, but it is a rather small possibility. Is it bad that I'm just having an off day where I don't do anything I'm supposed to? I seem to do that quite often. What can I say, I'm an artist and can't be counted on to be constant.
Meanwhile I am wishing it were not so cold because otherwise I would go for a walk. It looks so pretty and sunny outside, making me want to go play and prance around, but I can't abide by the cold, so I guess I'll just sit inside and knit and read The Fellowship of the Ring. It is my second time reading it, by the way, and I just finished the chapter about Weathertop/Amon Sul.
Baby Crash is up and says hi.

A Long, But Meaningful Blog

I haven't written a journal in a long time and, with so many thoughts and theories floating around my head I thought it best to get them down on paper, or, rather, my hard drive.

Its spring now here in Lincoln, Nebraska. The daffodils, crocus and tulips are blooming, the trees are budding and grass is green. Constant showers encourage God's work to shine. How beautiful the earth can turn in what seems like overnight. It makes me think of how someday this earth with transform into something even more beautiful than what we see now.

Why, just last night I had a dream that the world was dark, with war in every land. There was a tower in the middle of the land that was grey and covered in dead ivy. It had once been the palace of a good king who ruled the earth with love and, under his care, it flourished. But the hearts of the people turned to darkness and soon the king was forced to retreat into his palace to lay dormant until enough people with true hearts should call him forth to reclaim the land.
I was standing with my mother in front of the dark palace with a small group of others. When we called upon the king to come and rescue us from the darkness, the tower transformed into a beautiful green and gold structure with carvings and statues of creatures long gone on it. Bells chimed and two heralds stepped out of the palace. They were the most beautiful creatures I had ever seen looking as if they were part of nature. The king was about to come out when I woke up.

So, yes, sort of Lord of the Rings-y, but whatever. The point is that the transformation of nature in the springtime is such a magical thing to watch and holds me mesmerized. And I think of how much I really do love it here in Lincoln. As I drive through town I see kids riding bikes, young couples walking dogs, pushing strollers. I see children walking home from school with backpacks slung over their shoulders, and I can't help but fall in love with this city again. When I was young

I used to think that Lincoln was the safest place ever. In Minnesota I shied away from everyone since most of them were drunks with guns. But I thought that should I ever lived in Lincoln I would not be afraid to approach someone on the street to ask the time or some other such thing. I know now, of course, that Lincoln is no city of angels, but it is by far the best city I have ever lived in.

I ask myself, would I ever leave Lincoln? I can't really know the answer any more than I can really know the answer to a question like, what would you do if the boogieman was real and lived under your bed? I can't know what I would do in that given situation unless I was actually in it. There are potential circumstances to be considered, like, maybe the boogieman is friendly? Perhaps he is allergic to peanut butter? Likewise, I can't know if I'll ever leave Lincoln until I am in the actual predicament.

Northside has a new pastor, Pastor Martinez. He's okay. I've only heard him preach twice, since he's only been here two Sabbaths. I like his preaching okay. I don't really know yet, I haven't gotten to know him as a person, so we'll see. Anyway, his first sermon was about heaven. The sermon was okay, but not gripping or anything (I'm a firm believer that if you're going to preach on heaven, its got to be gripping and that doesn't mean use the same pictures and thoughts as every other preacher out there). However, it was a reminder that God chooses some of the weakest things to make His point and to touch us. Pastor Martinez was using power point for his sermon and he had up some pretty pictures from nature (I'm a sucker for those things). He probably said something then that sent me contemplating for the remainder of the sermon. I thought about how, since I was about fourteen, I've had this little world of my own in my head that I retreat to. Some of it is forests, some moors or rolling hills. Some is ocean and beaches, some is prairie. And I have little houses scattered throughout. I fit the world to the mood I'm in.

Maybe its sounds strange to you, but I've lived a very strange life and without a place of escape I would not have made it. I'm guessing that not everyone has my wide expanse of imagination, but I'm sure we all have a "happy place" in our minds. Anyway, I had surprisingly never thought of it before, but this little world of mine was probably a glimpse of what heaven would be like. "They shall build houses and inhabit them," says the Bible. I started to think about that.
Then I thought about how I had heard that the desire of a man's heart was to have a beautiful life to enjoy and someone to enjoy it with. I thought about how, sometimes my little world served it purpose in letting me get away, but it was rather lonely. I wanted someone to share it with, someone who understood it. This world to me is my heart and I wanted to share my heart. This world also spills out and meshes with the real world. I guess what I mean by that is, the way I interpret and see the real world around me is echoed in the world of my heart/mind. Am I getting too philosophical? This probably makes no sense to anyone but me.

Anyway, then I thought of how nature is God's second book, how it is His finger print. I enjoy nature so much more now because I am not letting myself be constrained to some Adventist mind set devoid of all individuality. God forbid I should be a cookie-cutter Adventist explaining everything with common phrasing and mind set. Once I let myself free of that, I was able to see what a big and creative force our God is and to enjoy Him for who He is, not the over-theologized God from my Sabbath School quarterly. What if I were to let that God be the force, the meaning behind the world of my heart? I remember that sometimes, when I needed to be very honest with God I would "meet" Jesus in my world and talk to Him there. It was a more meaningful kind of prayer that is individual to me and not a patented-by-the-church approach.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm coming back to 14-year-old perception of God, which is probably more correct. It is that perception of God that drew me into the New Age movement. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not doing that again, but I'm coming back to a more sacred, peaceful place where much more emphasis is placed on nature, on awareness of the living things around you. Many of these things I know the church tried to teach me, but I just couldn't grasp it. It seems to me that the church likes to focus on God's government; the rules, the prophecies and all other such things. We don't focus enough on a relationship, on a personal, living experience. The only Seventh-Day Adventist Ministry that I've seen do this is Empowered Living Ministries. They are totally on the ball, but it is sad that they are so few.

Another dream I had: I was with the Christian people because, while straying for a time from all of those beliefs, I counted myself among them. We were climbing white stairs up into the clouds. All the faces around me were shining with joy and in everyone's hands was a treasure from their life on earth to lay before the throne. The higher up the stairs I got the more nervous I became. What if I was not deemed good enough to enter before God's presence with my people? Had I tarried too long in my wayward journey? Did I miss the call home? Then I started to despair; I'm not good enough! I'll be made a fool of! But I was, at the same time, at peace knowing that God's judgment would be fair. I reached the throne and watched as a dear friend of mine who was ahead of me put down her gift, smiled into the face of her creator and walked on. I walked hesitantly up to the throne and put down my gift. I think it was my journals, but I can't quite remember. I was nervous, but the hand of grace, though not physical, was reached out to me and a voice said, "I have placed you on this journey and you will be granted time." With relief I turned followed those ahead of me back down another staircase back to earth.

I'm not claiming to be any Ellen White or anything, but I have always had meaningful dreams. My dreams are one of the main ways in which God speaks to me and the dreams are personally for me. They are not prophetic or aimed to guide anyone else, However, if you should get a blessing from hearing them, then I am glad.

On a more physical note, things are being worked out Sunrider-wise to prevent me from ever having my colon removed. I have glasses, too. But who cares about that stuff anyway?

It's Been A Long Time

Its been a long time since I've last written a journal. I'm sort of disappointed in myself. I write journals when I feel alive. I have to write about life and all its intricacies and generalities. When I don't write I've lost some of that passion. I'm off in some other world. And so I've been.

I do chores, run errands, do schoolwork and then in my spare time I disappear. That wasn't my plan when this started. I didn't want to have my head in the clouds. Now that original mind set is coming back to me every now and then. Reminding me. That's not to say I regret anything, although I'm sure if I thought about it long and hard enough I'd find something. This is a journey, not a mapped out course. I'm growing up and flowing in and out of experiences, worlds…I suppose that is why it is so important to me that no one judge me. I don't yet have my feet on the ground about what I want, who I am. I'm never constant. Save judgment for another time.

Lately I've been reading too much X-Men and listening to t.A.T.u. Yeah, pretty deep, huh? I've had a really cool, but scary dream I call The Master Painter. I should have written it as a short story when I'd first woken up, but I didn't. Perhaps I will soon. I had a very disturbing dream in which a certain someone was trying to woo me. Can you guess who that was? I, of course, spent most of my time making snide remarks or yelling at him.

I've been meaning to write a letter to someone I've yet to meet. It would start, 'Dear potential boyfriend…". It was going to be a this-is-who-I-am-and-this-is-what-you're-getting-into letter, but I think I would just put in the lyrics to Bitch. That song pretty much sums it up. It's the one that goes, "I'm a bitch/I'm a lover/I'm a child/I'm a mother/I'm a sinner/I'm a saint".

I've been thinking about friendship issues. Like, listening to what James and Gina went through with Christina and it all making sense. Then I think about when I go back to being a full-time Christian and if they will still love and accept me as they do now. I won't be who I was before, certainly, but I will be different than I am now. But I'll still be me. All the time.