Tired (Language Warning)

I don't know, you guys. I am just so f**king tired. Did I know, at the start, that it would come to this? Just because I'm away from God doesn't mean I don't have to have standards.
I realized what I really want. More than anything in the world. I found out why I am drawn to Harry Potter again. I know why this all began. Friendship. I'm lonely and I want friendship. That's what it's been, my whole life. That's what I've always, really wanted. The only thing that really matters. Right now I don't want a lover and I don't want someone to be fucking crucified. I want a friend. Actually I want more than a friend, I want a few friends. I want people I can connect with and be myself with. People who are loyal and who, as the years go by are there with you. People who don't get on my nerves too much, but who aren't perfect, either.

I think the Christians are all wrong. Magic isn't what draws kids and adults to Harry Potter, its friendship. I have never, in my whole life, seen a more beautiful friendship than that portrayed in the Harry Potter books and movies. Notice how the people who like Harry Potter the most are the lonely ones? This world is working against that kind of friendship and so the people become hungry. That explains why I cry in certain places during movies or books, or whatever.

So there it is. I am so f**king lonely. I haven't had close friends in years. I think it's been over 3 years since I had close friends I was comfortable with. Yeah, there was Christina and Larry for a time there but that was just exhausting and then Larry and I screwed the whole thing up. No, the last time I had friends like I want was back when Nick, Jessie, Ginny and I would be together. Too late for that to happen again. And that wasn't in the Christian world. No, because most of these Christians are so damn sterile. And then they all have petty prejudices against each other so you can never get three of them in a room together to without everyone feeling like they're walking on eggs.

Oh, man. I feel so hopeless. Will I be lonely forever? I don't want any stupid romance. I just really, really want friendship. Shit. What am I supposed to do? I don't know I don't know. I hate it here. Maybe I did have a chance for friendship. Maybe I did just this October. But that depends on my coming back to who I was, who I don't want to be any more. But then again, maybe it doesn't. Not quite, anyway.

Of course, I have to have all these thoughts going around my head when I'm alone in the house, I have a stressful day tomorrow and I'm trying to care for an elderly rat who is recovering from surgery. Crap crap crap. Don't you just want to die sometimes? I don't think I took my anti-depressant last night…or this morning. I hate it when I do that. I'm such a damned mess. Oh, well. I've been in darker places than this before and I haven't gone suicidal yet. Of course, back then I wasn't as smart.

Sorry for talking like a sailor. I'll get over it.

Story of my life:

"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imaginedWhen you were young…"

"And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young
They say the devil's water
It isn't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while…"

-When You Were Young, The Killers

Change

I couldn't even be nice. When the guy asked me about my t-shirt I couldn't even be nice. Maybe he was one of the smart human beings who realizes that what a person does or the people he/she befriends does not make their identity. Maybe I shouldn't really wear these t-shirts right now. I'm not exactly living up to the message of Empowered Living Ministries. I'm in class and I should be paying attention. My classes are online and I'm in my favorite place to do my schoolwork: Meadowlark Coffee. Already I'm a creature of habit, sitting where I sat last time: a tall seat by the window, looking out at the smokers outside (who look back at me and I feel like an animal at the zoo) and the glowing letters SUN MART across the street. Lovely distraction. And the teacher has already said a whole bunch about, well, I don't know. Some sort of examination. I can't believe I left the house without makeup.

It seems that all I do now is think, analyze and live. I love living. It's nice. I don't think I was living before. One night, while trying to fall asleep I made two graphs in my head (Lisa Simpson, "I make a lot of graphs"). One graph was of my Christian experience. At first I was really happy. I was getting over my depression and learning that there was a meaning to life and the vague God I knew was getting sharper edges. Then, shortly after becoming a Seventh - day Adventist at 16 I went back down again almost to the way I was before, but I was relatively happy. Then I came back up and it was the regular short up and downs of the early Christian experience and as the years went by I grew a lot as a child of God and my standing with God was great. But as my experience grew I became more and more unhappy. Then this. My standing with God shoots down while my happiness shoots up. But, right now, I'm not as happy as I was when I first started on this little journey.

I'm fighting to keep my hold on the simple joy that I started out with. I'm trying hard not to slip into darkness. But, you see, I'm not trying too hard because I'm tired of being a Hitler on myself. As my Christian experience grew I restricted myself more and more. I separated myself from everything. I read a lot of what other Christians thought and not enough of what God thought. From all the reading I did early in my life I'd learned how to be forsaken and unloved, but be content (like little Harry Potter in the cupboard under the stairs). It was all I knew how to be. I shunned people before I was a Christian and after I became one I shunned all who weren't.

I became really conservative. While I still very much believe that my views were biblical, I think I was coming at them from the wrong angle. I don't know what that angle was, just that it wasn't right. If I in the slightest bit didn't live up to those conservative standards in the way I thought they should be held up, I got on my knees and screwed up my face until tears came out of my eyes. I lay on the floor face down, just like I was supposed to. I put on a big show of repentance and tried my hardest to make myself feel really bad. Ugh, it makes me sick just to think about it. It makes me sick to just think of kneeling down by my bed and praying. Not because of I don't want to talk to God, but because of, I don't know, I guess because of the stress and mental hurt of trying with all of your might to be someone and something you're not. I only confessed all those sins because I knew I should. It was like my duty. It didn't come from the heart. I was never sorry, no matter how much I asked God to make me sorry.

Now I don't really know the details of what's right and what's wrong anymore. But I know what makes a decent human being. I know what will make the world a better place. And that's all I freaking care about right now. I'm looking for the God I was looking for 4 years ago, before I was a Christian. I'm looking for the God I know is there without anyone telling me, without anyone preaching to me or writing a thesis. And I intend to look where He is to be found. I'm not going to look to the shit that floats to the top. I'm going to look at the Book, nature and the heart and soul of the human being (the decent part). I'm interested in people. I'm interested in what they think, what their opinion is. I don't want to feel uncomfortable around them because their opinion is not mine. So here I've been, pouring my heart out, and I've only looked in on class a couple times. Oh, well, the window is open, so I'm getting credit for it.

Yesterday (Sabbath) I got to church late, my hair still wet from my shower, and I was glad for it! I was glad I was different. I wasn't on time and I looked funny. I wasn't the same prompt and put together girl everyone knows. I couldn't help being sad the whole time I was there, though.

I think it's probably time to schedule a session with Jeannie just to let her know what's going on. Half of me expects her to smile and tell me I'm growing up and the other half expects her to go protective Adventist on me. Knowing her it will probably be both. But I kind of don't want to tell her either. I kind of just want to live and let live. I don't know. If she's concerned, she'll let me know. And I'll tell her.

I'm just kind of jumbled, but I'm not agitating the jumble. I'm letting the jumble arrange itself how it will. I always end up having some sort of revelation of understanding. And if I don't, I make one.

I should probably shut up now. There are some guys here at the cafe and it looks like they're setting up to do some music. I don't really want to be here for it. I've got a good book going at home.

Rolling Over

I seem to keep rolling over. It's easy to roll over into one life and then change my mind and roll over into the other. I think that I need to know first hand why I hold so dearly the truths that I do so that I may hold them more dearly. I'm experimenting. How does this music make me feel? Am I happier here in this world or in my life with Christ? How about these clothes or these pictures, or this book? How about this way of looking at the world? What brings more peace, more happiness? It is every person's right to pursue happiness. And yet this is an endeavor based of self, and I know that self always fails. But do I?

And then I wonder, which lifestyle will enable me to bless others the most? And then I wonder about my own mind set. Am I being a blessing to others because I want to or because I know it's what I should do as a Christian?

As a Christian, I had a sense of identity without pride. As a worldling I must have pride in order to have a sense of identity. I must pull in falsehoods and exaggerations to explain myself. And I know that I cannot mix. Most people think they can mix the world and Christ, but I know it's not true and this by experience. The Word also says that if I am to be for Christ I must be all in. I cannot serve both God and myself. If I were to be a true Christian that would mean this and that and that and this. So then I come back to my original question, Where does the peace and happiness lie? For even if I were to go totally back to the world I would still know, as I've known all my life, that there is a greater Intelligence out there. And what would I do with that? I would have to deal with the longing I used to feel a year ago when I would look at the things of nature and know that there was something more that I was missing. A higher calling. Again, how would I deal with that? And who would carry my burdens when they get to heavy? And even when they're not? I know too much to say I would not have burdens if I were to go back to the old life, though it is tempting to say it.

And where would be love? I never knew its true meaning until I met my God and saw the cross. How could I survive without the rich comfort of God's love? It is that love that keeps me from going back. All else fades away, losing its meaning when I think of the awesome love. Its worth it just to have love. And if I let it, that love can spill over onto others. I must not be so shy and timid.

Yes, I've decided, it's worth it for the love, for the cross. But I must learn to make the principles, the truths, of Christianity an experience and not just a knowledge. I must know that self will always fail. God help me.

19

Something in me changed when I turned 19. It's like something said, "Okay, Becca, time to wake up!" I just changed. It wasn't until now, at the climax of it, that I noticed. Oh, yeah, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't realize they were "growing pains".

I started to keep falling into the same sins over and over and it was probably because I had no real, driving motivation to stop. I just knew it was bad, I didn't feel it was. Mostly I fell into worldliness. It didn't matter what dramatics I put on for myself (and God) when I repented. Twenty minutes after swearing never to go down that path again, I would. Needless to say, I was getting tired and my knees were sore from kneeling in repentance.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened or exactly when. I think it was when I asked my dad to go to the library. But before that, even, I had started to loosen my grip on who I was and who I thought God wanted me to be. I can see it as if on a graph, the line starting to go downwards.
This past week I've been happier than I've been in a long time. I feel free. I've decided not to decide in a way. Before, it seemed I was always walking on egg shells, trying to live up to the standards I'd set for myself. The stress was horrible. Now I am at peace, though I am not with
God. It's weird. I'm different. It's like I'm finally awaking to the world around me.

For the first time in my life, I actually, truly, care about others and find such joy in them that I can't help but constantly smile. Other people hold a much bigger interest for me. And I think some of it has to do with me letting go. Before I was scared of talking to others because I was so focused on preaching to them, on filtering my words. Now I have the freedom to just enjoy them. And because I care about them, and others, I'm not saying things I regret. I can finally join in.
I listen to music and read books that I wouldn't before. But this time I have left the darkness and depression behind. I am a joyful person and I read and listen to joyful things. I watch joyful movies. And I can see life poetically. There is sunshine. I feel like I am living in the happy ending of a good movie. I dance in the clothing stores.

I'm waking up to my womanhood. I'm aware of and comfortable with the fact that I am a woman and no longer a girl and I try to bring that grace into my influence. I'm not afraid about who I should be.

There is a sad bit, however. I realize how much I have disconnected myself from others. What really saddens me is that my old group of friends no longer recognizes me. Nick, Jessie and my sister think I'm just a stuck-up Christian. Well, maybe not Nick. But it's not their fault. I cut myself off and now it's too late. What a mistake I've made. Maybe someday, when they're older, we can all be together again as one group.

I went to church today and expected to feel uncomfortable, but I was surprised to find myself at ease and even saying a heartfelt 'amen' or two! I will still stand up for God's truth and will always love Him. I have an even deeper reverence for God and His law now. Even if I do not fully abide by it. I feel like I'm in between. I'm waiting for myself to go one way or another. Waiting for a sign. I don't want to talk about it. I even hesitated to write this journal, as if the spell would be broken if I thought too hard about all of this. Something is changing. I'm growing. I can only expect to come out a far better Christian than before.

To all appearances I've fallen away. But all this partaking of certain books, movies and music I would call a spiritual journey. I'm curious about the world around me and how it relates to God. Yes, it's been a long time since I've been this happy.