It's Been A Long Time

Its been a long time since I've last written a journal. I'm sort of disappointed in myself. I write journals when I feel alive. I have to write about life and all its intricacies and generalities. When I don't write I've lost some of that passion. I'm off in some other world. And so I've been.

I do chores, run errands, do schoolwork and then in my spare time I disappear. That wasn't my plan when this started. I didn't want to have my head in the clouds. Now that original mind set is coming back to me every now and then. Reminding me. That's not to say I regret anything, although I'm sure if I thought about it long and hard enough I'd find something. This is a journey, not a mapped out course. I'm growing up and flowing in and out of experiences, worlds…I suppose that is why it is so important to me that no one judge me. I don't yet have my feet on the ground about what I want, who I am. I'm never constant. Save judgment for another time.

Lately I've been reading too much X-Men and listening to t.A.T.u. Yeah, pretty deep, huh? I've had a really cool, but scary dream I call The Master Painter. I should have written it as a short story when I'd first woken up, but I didn't. Perhaps I will soon. I had a very disturbing dream in which a certain someone was trying to woo me. Can you guess who that was? I, of course, spent most of my time making snide remarks or yelling at him.

I've been meaning to write a letter to someone I've yet to meet. It would start, 'Dear potential boyfriend…". It was going to be a this-is-who-I-am-and-this-is-what-you're-getting-into letter, but I think I would just put in the lyrics to Bitch. That song pretty much sums it up. It's the one that goes, "I'm a bitch/I'm a lover/I'm a child/I'm a mother/I'm a sinner/I'm a saint".

I've been thinking about friendship issues. Like, listening to what James and Gina went through with Christina and it all making sense. Then I think about when I go back to being a full-time Christian and if they will still love and accept me as they do now. I won't be who I was before, certainly, but I will be different than I am now. But I'll still be me. All the time.