A Long, But Meaningful Blog

I haven't written a journal in a long time and, with so many thoughts and theories floating around my head I thought it best to get them down on paper, or, rather, my hard drive.

Its spring now here in Lincoln, Nebraska. The daffodils, crocus and tulips are blooming, the trees are budding and grass is green. Constant showers encourage God's work to shine. How beautiful the earth can turn in what seems like overnight. It makes me think of how someday this earth with transform into something even more beautiful than what we see now.

Why, just last night I had a dream that the world was dark, with war in every land. There was a tower in the middle of the land that was grey and covered in dead ivy. It had once been the palace of a good king who ruled the earth with love and, under his care, it flourished. But the hearts of the people turned to darkness and soon the king was forced to retreat into his palace to lay dormant until enough people with true hearts should call him forth to reclaim the land.
I was standing with my mother in front of the dark palace with a small group of others. When we called upon the king to come and rescue us from the darkness, the tower transformed into a beautiful green and gold structure with carvings and statues of creatures long gone on it. Bells chimed and two heralds stepped out of the palace. They were the most beautiful creatures I had ever seen looking as if they were part of nature. The king was about to come out when I woke up.

So, yes, sort of Lord of the Rings-y, but whatever. The point is that the transformation of nature in the springtime is such a magical thing to watch and holds me mesmerized. And I think of how much I really do love it here in Lincoln. As I drive through town I see kids riding bikes, young couples walking dogs, pushing strollers. I see children walking home from school with backpacks slung over their shoulders, and I can't help but fall in love with this city again. When I was young

I used to think that Lincoln was the safest place ever. In Minnesota I shied away from everyone since most of them were drunks with guns. But I thought that should I ever lived in Lincoln I would not be afraid to approach someone on the street to ask the time or some other such thing. I know now, of course, that Lincoln is no city of angels, but it is by far the best city I have ever lived in.

I ask myself, would I ever leave Lincoln? I can't really know the answer any more than I can really know the answer to a question like, what would you do if the boogieman was real and lived under your bed? I can't know what I would do in that given situation unless I was actually in it. There are potential circumstances to be considered, like, maybe the boogieman is friendly? Perhaps he is allergic to peanut butter? Likewise, I can't know if I'll ever leave Lincoln until I am in the actual predicament.

Northside has a new pastor, Pastor Martinez. He's okay. I've only heard him preach twice, since he's only been here two Sabbaths. I like his preaching okay. I don't really know yet, I haven't gotten to know him as a person, so we'll see. Anyway, his first sermon was about heaven. The sermon was okay, but not gripping or anything (I'm a firm believer that if you're going to preach on heaven, its got to be gripping and that doesn't mean use the same pictures and thoughts as every other preacher out there). However, it was a reminder that God chooses some of the weakest things to make His point and to touch us. Pastor Martinez was using power point for his sermon and he had up some pretty pictures from nature (I'm a sucker for those things). He probably said something then that sent me contemplating for the remainder of the sermon. I thought about how, since I was about fourteen, I've had this little world of my own in my head that I retreat to. Some of it is forests, some moors or rolling hills. Some is ocean and beaches, some is prairie. And I have little houses scattered throughout. I fit the world to the mood I'm in.

Maybe its sounds strange to you, but I've lived a very strange life and without a place of escape I would not have made it. I'm guessing that not everyone has my wide expanse of imagination, but I'm sure we all have a "happy place" in our minds. Anyway, I had surprisingly never thought of it before, but this little world of mine was probably a glimpse of what heaven would be like. "They shall build houses and inhabit them," says the Bible. I started to think about that.
Then I thought about how I had heard that the desire of a man's heart was to have a beautiful life to enjoy and someone to enjoy it with. I thought about how, sometimes my little world served it purpose in letting me get away, but it was rather lonely. I wanted someone to share it with, someone who understood it. This world to me is my heart and I wanted to share my heart. This world also spills out and meshes with the real world. I guess what I mean by that is, the way I interpret and see the real world around me is echoed in the world of my heart/mind. Am I getting too philosophical? This probably makes no sense to anyone but me.

Anyway, then I thought of how nature is God's second book, how it is His finger print. I enjoy nature so much more now because I am not letting myself be constrained to some Adventist mind set devoid of all individuality. God forbid I should be a cookie-cutter Adventist explaining everything with common phrasing and mind set. Once I let myself free of that, I was able to see what a big and creative force our God is and to enjoy Him for who He is, not the over-theologized God from my Sabbath School quarterly. What if I were to let that God be the force, the meaning behind the world of my heart? I remember that sometimes, when I needed to be very honest with God I would "meet" Jesus in my world and talk to Him there. It was a more meaningful kind of prayer that is individual to me and not a patented-by-the-church approach.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm coming back to 14-year-old perception of God, which is probably more correct. It is that perception of God that drew me into the New Age movement. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not doing that again, but I'm coming back to a more sacred, peaceful place where much more emphasis is placed on nature, on awareness of the living things around you. Many of these things I know the church tried to teach me, but I just couldn't grasp it. It seems to me that the church likes to focus on God's government; the rules, the prophecies and all other such things. We don't focus enough on a relationship, on a personal, living experience. The only Seventh-Day Adventist Ministry that I've seen do this is Empowered Living Ministries. They are totally on the ball, but it is sad that they are so few.

Another dream I had: I was with the Christian people because, while straying for a time from all of those beliefs, I counted myself among them. We were climbing white stairs up into the clouds. All the faces around me were shining with joy and in everyone's hands was a treasure from their life on earth to lay before the throne. The higher up the stairs I got the more nervous I became. What if I was not deemed good enough to enter before God's presence with my people? Had I tarried too long in my wayward journey? Did I miss the call home? Then I started to despair; I'm not good enough! I'll be made a fool of! But I was, at the same time, at peace knowing that God's judgment would be fair. I reached the throne and watched as a dear friend of mine who was ahead of me put down her gift, smiled into the face of her creator and walked on. I walked hesitantly up to the throne and put down my gift. I think it was my journals, but I can't quite remember. I was nervous, but the hand of grace, though not physical, was reached out to me and a voice said, "I have placed you on this journey and you will be granted time." With relief I turned followed those ahead of me back down another staircase back to earth.

I'm not claiming to be any Ellen White or anything, but I have always had meaningful dreams. My dreams are one of the main ways in which God speaks to me and the dreams are personally for me. They are not prophetic or aimed to guide anyone else, However, if you should get a blessing from hearing them, then I am glad.

On a more physical note, things are being worked out Sunrider-wise to prevent me from ever having my colon removed. I have glasses, too. But who cares about that stuff anyway?