So for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, I quit Unionaires. I also dropped out of the chorister postion at my church, but that probably means nothing to most of you. So what happened? Why did I leave?
I don't know how many people know this, but I've stuggled with clinical depression and anxiety since I was 15. If you want to know my thrilling depression story, ask me. I'm not going to talk about it here because this isn't about depression, this is about anxiety.
My anxiety started getting worse as I grew into adulthood. I would say the worst of it "started" when I was 18 and a half. I'm 20 and a half now. I always thought that the constanst stress with physical cues, the emotional breakdowns because I couldn't handle it and the shutting down and staying home when too much was going on were all part of normal life. I told myself I was older and I better buck up and take it because this was life.
I just started working on some of my anxiety issues with my therapist and I was starting to do a little better. Things were looking up. Then three things happened: I got asked to babysit for another Bible study my boss was having (I'm a child care worker at St. Mark's Northwest Methodist). Then I was asked to babysit a baby boy for a few hours four days a week at Wesleyan, where my mom works (I had previously agreed to this). And last but not least, I got my Unionaires schedule for the next semester.
At a previous point, I was kind of pulled in both directions with Unionaires. I like singing, of course. I think I have a nice voice and I think I should use it, especially in a ministry sense.
But I don't really enjoy rehersals or much of the music in Unionaires. I don't really enjoy performances, either. I like the social aspect of tours and rehersals, but to tell you the truth, I never felt like I was part of the group. I felt like an outcast. While people were very kind to me, I really only made one good friend (Esther) during the year I was in the choir. Jordan was my friend previously, so she doesn't count. And while there are the people who were nice to me, I was also treated very rudely on more than one occasion.
This isn't to say the rest of you aren't my friends! I love you all and you're totally awesome. But you know those friends you call up when you have a problem and you hang out with them on a fairly regular basis? That's what I'm talking about.
Thursday morning I went through my calender putting down the Unionaires dates and the babysitting times. There were so many conflicts and it was so busy I could tell that I wasn't going to have time to really eat, or sleep, or get sick, or do something creative, or take care of my animals, or do my laundry or even do my schoolwork (which is my priority) and graduate. I kind of had an emotional breakdown and I thanked God I was going to see my therapist that morning.
Now you have to understand that I'm not a Union student with a campus job and I don't go to CVC. My main job is babysitting and sometimes pet sitting. I go to a small church called Northside on the other side of town and I am a very active member there. So every time we (meaning Unionaires) do a performance on any day of the week, especially weekends, I have to ask more than one boss for the day off and, if it's on a Saturday, I have to make all sorts of complicated switches to make sure my duties are taken care of at church. It's a lot harder for me than it is for a Union student.
I really like my schoolwork and I'm looking forward to being a veterinary technician. I like a quiet life at home with my family and animals. I enjoy most of my work babysitting. I like to write stories. On the side, I like to do a little musical stuff. I didn't want it to take over my life.
After talking to my mom, friends and therapist I made the decision to quit Unionaires. I was very unhappy where I was and now I feel so much calmer and more free.
I really had some great times with you all you Unionaires and I hope you stay in touch. Who knows? Maybe I'll come back some day.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Trigger Log
This is a log I kept for my therapist when I was going through some serious anxiety issues. After so many years of being sick in bed I had no idea how to manage my time when I was relatively healthy enough to do things like join a choir and get a job.
Trigger Log
1-11-08 - Good example of a normal day when I am in conflict about appointments.
Didn’t do a “calm exercise” this morning because I was recovering from a night of sickness. Wasn’t stressed anyway.
Trigger 1: Emailed Dr. Lynn to tell him I wouldn’t be at choir and asking what time the performance was tonight. Worried I’d never get an answer back. I did, but then I had to IM Trevor to ask what we were singing. Then realized I didn’t know the dress code. Planning to text Jordan and ask her.
Trigger 2: Falling asleep for a nap and hearing a rat drinking from the water bottle which reminded me that both water bottles needed to be refilled first thing when I woke up which in turn reminded me of all the things around my room that needed to be taken care of (I.e. dishes to the kitchen, notes to write down, clothes to be hung up, etc.)
Trigger 3: Waking up and thinking of the rat water bottles and my room. Then thinking about the Unionaires performance and having to decide whether or not I’d go. Then thinking of how I needed to get the “room things” done in enough time to get ready for the concert if by chance I did go, which meant I needed to text Jordan.
End of story: I was so stressed out from all of it that I didn’t go to the concert or even to prayer meeting. I ended up relaxing with friends because it was the only thing I could think of to do that would get my mind off things. If I had known the future, I wouldn’t have stressed out.
1-20-08- Good example of any other normal day.
I was driving in the early afternoon thinking about how I had my whole day ahead of me with nothing written on the calendar and then I started stressing*. I was thinking of school and how behind I am and how I haven’t done any school work in over a week because I’ve been sick. So I really need to do school work today. But then I also have to clean my room and probably do some laundry. I should think about cleaning the rat cages in the next couple of days, too. And then there’s the rest of the list…
Now I feel awful. Now I don’t feel like I can cope with doing any of it. I know that if I start in on what I need to do that the tightness around my heart will gradually lesson. But I’m afraid to start because what if I don’t get enough done? And there will always be loads of stuff to do tomorrow. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to stop it. I wish the work would stop turning and give me a chance to catch up. I wish I could lock myself in my room for a week and get some things done without any outside distractions or stresses.
I feel worse writing this, but I’m glad I have because it clues me in to how horrible this all is and how I live with it every day, trying to ignore it, telling myself that’s life. Buck up and deal. You’re an adult.
Whenever I get sick for a long period of time, like I just have, it’s wonderful because I don’t have to worry about anything. I have a legitimate excuse. However, when I’m done being sick it’s awful because I have to catch up on everything and then I start thinking about how horrible my health is and how I’ll never be able to finish my school work on time and they’ll either kick me out or I’ll be in school for years to come. Then I think about how I would never be able to hold down a steady job anyway, which means I could never move out, which means I’ll never have a life of my own. I’ll always be trying to build my life only to fall all the way back down; a failure because of circumstances beyond my control.
*Note that this was not the first or only “anxiety moment” of the day. I’m usually stressed almost the entire day or I have many, many “anxiety moments”.
The Top Things I Worry About
1. School
2. Unionaires
3. Household stuff like cleaning rat cages and doing laundry
4. Church stuff
5. Money (a big part of this is Sunrider)
6. All the other stuff on my list (including writing things in my “Trigger Log”)
7. My future
All are interchangeable. Every day is different. However, the top three tend to stay constant with school being the number one thing I worry about.
1-23-08
My mom thinks I have anticipatory anxiety because I’m always worrying about things before they happen. She’s probably right. She also said that females tend to think in terms of “shoulds”. As in, I should have done this and this instead of wasting my time on that.
Today I’ve been worried about Unionaires a lot because there are so many performances and tours. It’s not that I don’t enjoy them (well, most of them), it’s the fact that they always conflict with something else like church or work (not to mention school). Now that I’m doing a lot more babysitting the whole Unionaires thing is even more complicated.
An example of the “shoulds” thing today: I went to get something to eat with James and Gina thinking a little time away from Biology would do me good. I was out for three hours and now I feel awful, even though I could have gone home at any point. I could be finished with my biology chapter in accordance with my goal for the day, but I’m only half way through and I need to go to bed. I also had to finish up this log.
My schedule is driving me absolutely insane. Seriously. Until today everything was going pretty well. We can officially add “Work” to my list of things I worry about.
1-24-08
Yesterday the pastor called me about a few things, the first which was to see how I was feeling (claiming he’d been “worried”). I knew what this meant so I replied that I hadn’t been in church the previous Saturday because I hadn’t been feeling well. I had come to church for Sabbath school, but then I’d left. The not feeling well part wasn’t entirely truthful because the main reason I hadn’t stayed for church was because it was one of those rare Sabbaths where I didn’t have to do something for the service. I was kind of ticked about the whole pastor-checking-up-on-me-because-I-missed-one-day-of-church thing because I’m accountable to so many people for being certain places on time the entire week. The last thing I need is someone holding me accountable for something optional like church. It doesn’t do much for my anxiety.
The last few days had been going really well anxiety-wise. I’d been working really hard on schoolwork, which made me feel calmer because I was accomplishing something and enjoying it at the same time. It felt like my day revolved around my schoolwork, which is how it should be. I’d been taking breaks from school to work on my other things like laundry, dishes or Sabbath school projects. While I was busier with other things than I’d have liked to be, this was okay for now.
Then my schedule exploded in a matter of 24 hours. Pastor Mike calls and wants me to baby sit for another Bible study he’s having (this one on a Thursday, one of my only free days). I say yes, though I haven’t yet agreed to do it long term. It’s tonight, though, so I’ll need to have an answer for him by then. Then one of the voice teachers at Wesleyan, Dawn, contacts me about babysitting her new baby. I’d agreed to do this a long time ago, so it’s not like there’s much I can do about it. I think I’ll probably enjoy it. I go to Wesleyan and sit in the common room or an office for a couple hours four days a week and keep her baby entertained.
So far, I have a bunch of extra babysitting dates and then I have to mark down all of the Unionaires concerts/tours. By now I want to seriously die. Most of these dates conflict with either work, church duties, or both. Now I’m just feeling like I want everyone to screw off, leave me along and let me graduate for Pete’s sake. Oh, and could I please give my animals the care they deserve? And if it’s not too much to ask, could I eat too? And maybe sleep?
Maybe I’m blowing this all out of proportion and it’ll be fine. But really, I cried almost the entire time I was writing things down in my planner and now I’m crying again. Something has to change because if this is how it is then suicide is looking just a wee bit tempting. I never asked for any of this. All I wanted was to have a slow, simple life, go to college and become a vet tech while owning a few rats and writing stories on the side. That’s all I wanted, nothing more.
I listened to this song this morning and it’s exactly how I feel:
No time for goodbye he said
As he faded away
Don't put your life in someone's hands
Their bound to steal it away
Don't hide your mistakes
'Cause they'll find you, burn you
Then he said
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
This is my last time she said
As she faded away
It's hard to imagine
But one day you'll end up like me
Then she said
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
Trigger Log
1-11-08 - Good example of a normal day when I am in conflict about appointments.
Didn’t do a “calm exercise” this morning because I was recovering from a night of sickness. Wasn’t stressed anyway.
Trigger 1: Emailed Dr. Lynn to tell him I wouldn’t be at choir and asking what time the performance was tonight. Worried I’d never get an answer back. I did, but then I had to IM Trevor to ask what we were singing. Then realized I didn’t know the dress code. Planning to text Jordan and ask her.
Trigger 2: Falling asleep for a nap and hearing a rat drinking from the water bottle which reminded me that both water bottles needed to be refilled first thing when I woke up which in turn reminded me of all the things around my room that needed to be taken care of (I.e. dishes to the kitchen, notes to write down, clothes to be hung up, etc.)
Trigger 3: Waking up and thinking of the rat water bottles and my room. Then thinking about the Unionaires performance and having to decide whether or not I’d go. Then thinking of how I needed to get the “room things” done in enough time to get ready for the concert if by chance I did go, which meant I needed to text Jordan.
End of story: I was so stressed out from all of it that I didn’t go to the concert or even to prayer meeting. I ended up relaxing with friends because it was the only thing I could think of to do that would get my mind off things. If I had known the future, I wouldn’t have stressed out.
1-20-08- Good example of any other normal day.
I was driving in the early afternoon thinking about how I had my whole day ahead of me with nothing written on the calendar and then I started stressing*. I was thinking of school and how behind I am and how I haven’t done any school work in over a week because I’ve been sick. So I really need to do school work today. But then I also have to clean my room and probably do some laundry. I should think about cleaning the rat cages in the next couple of days, too. And then there’s the rest of the list…
Now I feel awful. Now I don’t feel like I can cope with doing any of it. I know that if I start in on what I need to do that the tightness around my heart will gradually lesson. But I’m afraid to start because what if I don’t get enough done? And there will always be loads of stuff to do tomorrow. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to stop it. I wish the work would stop turning and give me a chance to catch up. I wish I could lock myself in my room for a week and get some things done without any outside distractions or stresses.
I feel worse writing this, but I’m glad I have because it clues me in to how horrible this all is and how I live with it every day, trying to ignore it, telling myself that’s life. Buck up and deal. You’re an adult.
Whenever I get sick for a long period of time, like I just have, it’s wonderful because I don’t have to worry about anything. I have a legitimate excuse. However, when I’m done being sick it’s awful because I have to catch up on everything and then I start thinking about how horrible my health is and how I’ll never be able to finish my school work on time and they’ll either kick me out or I’ll be in school for years to come. Then I think about how I would never be able to hold down a steady job anyway, which means I could never move out, which means I’ll never have a life of my own. I’ll always be trying to build my life only to fall all the way back down; a failure because of circumstances beyond my control.
*Note that this was not the first or only “anxiety moment” of the day. I’m usually stressed almost the entire day or I have many, many “anxiety moments”.
The Top Things I Worry About
1. School
2. Unionaires
3. Household stuff like cleaning rat cages and doing laundry
4. Church stuff
5. Money (a big part of this is Sunrider)
6. All the other stuff on my list (including writing things in my “Trigger Log”)
7. My future
All are interchangeable. Every day is different. However, the top three tend to stay constant with school being the number one thing I worry about.
1-23-08
My mom thinks I have anticipatory anxiety because I’m always worrying about things before they happen. She’s probably right. She also said that females tend to think in terms of “shoulds”. As in, I should have done this and this instead of wasting my time on that.
Today I’ve been worried about Unionaires a lot because there are so many performances and tours. It’s not that I don’t enjoy them (well, most of them), it’s the fact that they always conflict with something else like church or work (not to mention school). Now that I’m doing a lot more babysitting the whole Unionaires thing is even more complicated.
An example of the “shoulds” thing today: I went to get something to eat with James and Gina thinking a little time away from Biology would do me good. I was out for three hours and now I feel awful, even though I could have gone home at any point. I could be finished with my biology chapter in accordance with my goal for the day, but I’m only half way through and I need to go to bed. I also had to finish up this log.
My schedule is driving me absolutely insane. Seriously. Until today everything was going pretty well. We can officially add “Work” to my list of things I worry about.
1-24-08
Yesterday the pastor called me about a few things, the first which was to see how I was feeling (claiming he’d been “worried”). I knew what this meant so I replied that I hadn’t been in church the previous Saturday because I hadn’t been feeling well. I had come to church for Sabbath school, but then I’d left. The not feeling well part wasn’t entirely truthful because the main reason I hadn’t stayed for church was because it was one of those rare Sabbaths where I didn’t have to do something for the service. I was kind of ticked about the whole pastor-checking-up-on-me-because-I-missed-one-day-of-church thing because I’m accountable to so many people for being certain places on time the entire week. The last thing I need is someone holding me accountable for something optional like church. It doesn’t do much for my anxiety.
The last few days had been going really well anxiety-wise. I’d been working really hard on schoolwork, which made me feel calmer because I was accomplishing something and enjoying it at the same time. It felt like my day revolved around my schoolwork, which is how it should be. I’d been taking breaks from school to work on my other things like laundry, dishes or Sabbath school projects. While I was busier with other things than I’d have liked to be, this was okay for now.
Then my schedule exploded in a matter of 24 hours. Pastor Mike calls and wants me to baby sit for another Bible study he’s having (this one on a Thursday, one of my only free days). I say yes, though I haven’t yet agreed to do it long term. It’s tonight, though, so I’ll need to have an answer for him by then. Then one of the voice teachers at Wesleyan, Dawn, contacts me about babysitting her new baby. I’d agreed to do this a long time ago, so it’s not like there’s much I can do about it. I think I’ll probably enjoy it. I go to Wesleyan and sit in the common room or an office for a couple hours four days a week and keep her baby entertained.
So far, I have a bunch of extra babysitting dates and then I have to mark down all of the Unionaires concerts/tours. By now I want to seriously die. Most of these dates conflict with either work, church duties, or both. Now I’m just feeling like I want everyone to screw off, leave me along and let me graduate for Pete’s sake. Oh, and could I please give my animals the care they deserve? And if it’s not too much to ask, could I eat too? And maybe sleep?
Maybe I’m blowing this all out of proportion and it’ll be fine. But really, I cried almost the entire time I was writing things down in my planner and now I’m crying again. Something has to change because if this is how it is then suicide is looking just a wee bit tempting. I never asked for any of this. All I wanted was to have a slow, simple life, go to college and become a vet tech while owning a few rats and writing stories on the side. That’s all I wanted, nothing more.
I listened to this song this morning and it’s exactly how I feel:
No time for goodbye he said
As he faded away
Don't put your life in someone's hands
Their bound to steal it away
Don't hide your mistakes
'Cause they'll find you, burn you
Then he said
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
This is my last time she said
As she faded away
It's hard to imagine
But one day you'll end up like me
Then she said
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
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