Um, so my profile is really confusing me and probably some other people. I'm in the "in-between" again. The "deciding not to decide". If you've read my old blogs from you know I went through an 8 month period of basically not being a Christian. Kinda. It's not that I didn't believe in God, not that I didn't pray. I was just...doing things that I wouldn't have done before. So here I am again, with Harry Potter and Ellen White's books right next to each other on the BOOKS section of my profile. I kinda drive myself crazy sometimes.
Basically, all my old blogs are now relevant. I pretty much feel the same way. It's funny, as a true Christian I cannot, for the life of me, understand the stuff I wrote when I wasn't being very Christ-like. But right now I can't, for the life of me, understand the stuff I wrote while being a true Christian.
Ya know, I hate being 20-almost-21 sometimes. I had a couple nights in a row where I had dreams that guys I knew were asking me out and I had to sit them down and explain that I was a kind of moody, unpredictable, sometimes flaky person. As much as it would be cool to have a boyfriend, I'd have to warn anyone expressing intrest that I'm kinda crazy. But maybe all girls are like that. I dunno. But what can I say? I'm an artist! And Italian, I might add.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Faith Instead of a Warning
Dear God,
I'm writing You this letter because I'm a coward, I guess. I'm afraid of what might happen if I were to kneel and pray (though I must admit that there is fear in my heart just from writing this). I'm afraid that something horrible might happen. I dunno, maybe I'd be struck down, or maybe I'd just start crying and then get angry and, well…let the spiritual warfare commence.
But I'm here, God. I'm here. I answered You call on my heart. You showed me in a glimpse my position. You've warned me against going further. But I still don't want to be a Christian. I want God, not religion.
Why do I keep tiring myself out? What am I doing wrong? I guess I don't love You as much as I think I do. Please, God, teach me to love You so much that it is a joy to obey. Teach me to love You so much that I do not grow weary. Teach me to survive here. Because seriously, at this rate I'm going to hell.
I'll be doing so well, I'll be on fire and in love with You and then it seems like overnight I change. The temptation becomes strong. I compromise. I make some choices. Before I know it, I'm back to my old ways. Without a twinge of conscience. Dear God, help me. It seems I can't live without a longing. I'm not satisfied with being satisfied.
Obviously You know me better than I do because I thought I was fine. Evidently something in my heart wasn't right. But really, God, could You give me some warning? Guess not…guess You gave me faith instead.
Can't I be different? Do I have to be a clone?
Psalm 38:1-12, 16-22
O LORD, rebuke me not in Your wrath, And chasten me not in Your burning anger.
For Your arrows have sunk deep into me, And Your hand has pressed down on me.
There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation; There is no health in my bones because of my sin.
For my iniquities are gone over my head; As a heavy burden they weigh too much for me.
My wounds grow foul {and} fester Because of my folly.
I am bent over and greatly bowed down; I go mourning all day long.
For my loins are filled with burning, And there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart throbs, my strength fails me; And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me.
My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague; And my kinsmen stand afar off.
Those who seek my life lay snares {for me;} And those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, And they devise treachery all day long.
…
For I said, "May they not rejoice over me, {Who,} when my foot slips, would magnify themselves against me."
For I am ready to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me.
For I confess my iniquity; I am full of anxiety because of my sin.
But my enemies are vigorous {and} strong, And many are those who hate me wrongfully.
And those who repay evil for good, They oppose me, because I follow what is good
Do not forsake me, O LORD; O my God, do not be far from me!
Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!
Psalm 39:10-13
Remove Your plague from me; Because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.
With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity; You consume as a moth what is precious to him; Surely every man is a mere breath. Selah.
Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers.
Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile {again} Before I depart and am no more."
Lithium
by Evanescence
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go
.Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium,
I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.
Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium,
...stay in love with my sorrow.I'm gonna let it go.
Bad Dream
By Keane
(excerpts)
Why do I have to flyover every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.
I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,I was fighting
But I just feel too tiredto be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
Where do we go?
I don't even know,
My strange old face,
And I'm thinking about those days,
And I'm thinking about those days.
I'm writing You this letter because I'm a coward, I guess. I'm afraid of what might happen if I were to kneel and pray (though I must admit that there is fear in my heart just from writing this). I'm afraid that something horrible might happen. I dunno, maybe I'd be struck down, or maybe I'd just start crying and then get angry and, well…let the spiritual warfare commence.
But I'm here, God. I'm here. I answered You call on my heart. You showed me in a glimpse my position. You've warned me against going further. But I still don't want to be a Christian. I want God, not religion.
Why do I keep tiring myself out? What am I doing wrong? I guess I don't love You as much as I think I do. Please, God, teach me to love You so much that it is a joy to obey. Teach me to love You so much that I do not grow weary. Teach me to survive here. Because seriously, at this rate I'm going to hell.
I'll be doing so well, I'll be on fire and in love with You and then it seems like overnight I change. The temptation becomes strong. I compromise. I make some choices. Before I know it, I'm back to my old ways. Without a twinge of conscience. Dear God, help me. It seems I can't live without a longing. I'm not satisfied with being satisfied.
Obviously You know me better than I do because I thought I was fine. Evidently something in my heart wasn't right. But really, God, could You give me some warning? Guess not…guess You gave me faith instead.
Can't I be different? Do I have to be a clone?
Psalm 38:1-12, 16-22
O LORD, rebuke me not in Your wrath, And chasten me not in Your burning anger.
For Your arrows have sunk deep into me, And Your hand has pressed down on me.
There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation; There is no health in my bones because of my sin.
For my iniquities are gone over my head; As a heavy burden they weigh too much for me.
My wounds grow foul {and} fester Because of my folly.
I am bent over and greatly bowed down; I go mourning all day long.
For my loins are filled with burning, And there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart throbs, my strength fails me; And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me.
My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague; And my kinsmen stand afar off.
Those who seek my life lay snares {for me;} And those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, And they devise treachery all day long.
…
For I said, "May they not rejoice over me, {Who,} when my foot slips, would magnify themselves against me."
For I am ready to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me.
For I confess my iniquity; I am full of anxiety because of my sin.
But my enemies are vigorous {and} strong, And many are those who hate me wrongfully.
And those who repay evil for good, They oppose me, because I follow what is good
Do not forsake me, O LORD; O my God, do not be far from me!
Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!
Psalm 39:10-13
Remove Your plague from me; Because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.
With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity; You consume as a moth what is precious to him; Surely every man is a mere breath. Selah.
Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers.
Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile {again} Before I depart and am no more."
Lithium
by Evanescence
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go
.Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium,
I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.
Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium,
...stay in love with my sorrow.I'm gonna let it go.
Bad Dream
By Keane
(excerpts)
Why do I have to flyover every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.
I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,I was fighting
But I just feel too tiredto be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
Where do we go?
I don't even know,
My strange old face,
And I'm thinking about those days,
And I'm thinking about those days.
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