Friendliness (Language Warning)

F**k f**k f**k. I didn't take my antidepressant yesterday ( I forgot, dammit) and I didn't take today's until just a few hours ago. I guess it takes awhile to kick in. I feel so f**ked up. Ya know, this whole "journey" started out so good and now I'm just in this fucking shithole. But I wouldn't go back to my old life for all the money in the world. It would be even worse than this. Nothing ever goes right for me. People care about me but they never f**king show it. So where does that leave me? I swear to God, Jeannie shows more love for me than my mother. My mother doesn't give a shit. If she does, she sure has a funny way of showing it. Dammit. They'll be home any minute.

My stomach hurts. I feel like throwing up. I'm trying really hard not to cry. Okay, okay. Think of happy things. Think of baby rats and sunshine and libraries. No one is around and I'm bored out of my skull. James and Gina are out of town, Becky is at work. Oops. I'm outta friends! Nick is at work. Don't know about Jessie. Lets see, is there anyone f**king else? Maybe Gin wants to do something.

God forbid I should ever be like my mother. She doesn't realize that all my sister and I want is her time and attention. She never pays any attention to us, never tries to sit us down and get us to talk about what's going on in our heads. Never tries to understand. She doesn't realize that when we want her to watch a movie it isn't because we think she would enjoy herself, its because we want to spend time with her. She doesn't get that, though. I f**king hate it!

I had this whole journal I wanted to write, but so much for that. This whole day started out rotten. I went to the Stanley's party which turned out to be an M.J. and her friends from work party. Man, I hate ladies like that. It wasn't good that I hadn't had a Lexapro in awhile, so I got out. Church went smoothly. That was good. Lately I can't seem to walk out of church without feeling really pissed off. Like I just wasted my time. All the Adventist preachers are exactly the same. Seriously, they all speak the same way, have the same styles, move the same way, talk loud. They are like clones. And they all think that their sermon has some unusual twist to it, but they all have the same twist. So damn predictable. I can't stand it any more. Its all the same. And so different from the rest of the world. In a bad way, I think. Other people are always surprised by how loud Adventist preachers are.

Dammit, they're home.