Health Update

Hi all,

I realize I'm way overdue for a health update. When I need to write on the most is when it's hardest to do because usually that means I'm sick.

Also, before I get into the updates, I apologize if this email makes no sense, has errors or seems disjoined.

So, I'm off the Pristiq (the bad antidepressant) and that helped a little. Of course, I went back into things full swing and wore myself out totally. One litte bit of relief and I forget that all the other stuff is still there and I end up worse off than I started.

Anyway, the dizzyness got worse and I started veering off to one side all the time or blacking out for a second and stumbling and falling. I lost my footing very easily.

The brain function started to go down, too.

One day I just started crying for hours. I don't know where it came from.

I had been having crying episodes that were shorter almost everyday.

I couldn't stand being with more than one, maybe two friends at a time or being in crowded places.

I became so overwhelemed by things that I had to close my eyes when we drove.

Then I started, like a small child, to freak out and cry at the slightest mishap or accident.

I forgot things even more. I zoned out. I couldn't put concepts together, making reading books or watching movies really hard.

All of this is still true today even though on Friday we went to the ER. All they could find out was that my amonia levels were really high (my liver doesn't filter the amonia so it goes straight to my brain and causes the fog anf forgetfullness).

I've been given some yucky meds for the amonia stuff.

In the meantime, just be aware, I'm crazy. Or as Gina put it, a lot like a autistic child.

I'm a Drunk

I’ve been noticing that I’m acting more and more like a drunk. I think the realization came home just awhile ago when I was walking to the kitchen for another yogurt, swinging my spoon and my head in a very drunken manner and humming to myself. And it didn’t seem at all odd to me. Before that I’d patted an envelope that was on the table before remembering it was a Netflix envelope. “I probably shouldn’t have done that, there’s a DVD inside,” I mentioned to my Mom.
Then, “I’m here! I’m totally here!” I yelled. I remember yelling that to try to get the point across that I wasn’t drugged. Which, now, looking back, seems like a backwards idea. It won’t be long until I’m standing in front of the stove making peas and saying to an empty kitchen, “Peas are my favorite.” Yesterday my Mom wouldn’t let me carry a cake to and from my sister’s car because, as she told my sister, “You don’t want to let a drugged person carry your cake.” Thanks, Mom.

Here’s the thing. My liver isn’t doing what it’s supposed to right now. One of the things it’s not doing is it’s not filtering a chemical that goes straight to my brain. I was told this would make me feel “stupid”. I’m pretty sure they meant, “You are actually going to be stupid.” Add on to that severe fatigue, pain, and sometimes drugs and watchya got? Pretty much a drunk. My blogs may seem impressively well thought out, but that’s because my computer’s keyboard is the proud owner of a delete key and my word processing program is the proud owner of spell check. You ask any of my friends, particularly Gina, and they’ll tell you, “Yeah, Becca has some weird chemicals in her brain right now. She can’t answer my texts with any intelligence.”

I’ll tell you one such instance because it was later the subject of much laughter. Here is a series of texts sent between me and Gina a couple days ago:

Gina: Doing dishes, then gonna go to Wal-Mart and HyVee. Wanna come with?
Becca: No thanx. If I get some energy I need 2 clean a rat cage.
Gina: Would you like help?
Becca: I’ve just got the one I need to clean, so it shouldn’t b a problem. But thanx!
Gina: Are you sure? Wal-Mart is open 24/7
Becca: Do u really want me 2 go that badly? I mean I’ll go if u really want me 2.

Three minutes later I realized that Gina had been saying she could go to Wal-Mart any old time and she could come help me clean rat cages now. It’s like my Mom said before about having to give me specifics. I need a prologue to everything. And get this: that whole exchange happened when I was not on drugs. So did the hitting of the Netflix envelope and swinging of the yogurt spoon. When I say drugs I mean narcotics and the like. I am on a medication that keeps my blood pressure low, thus making me more tired, thus making me more…stupid. But still, I think it’s pretty impressive that I’m that spacey without any pill-shaped help. Impressive in a sad, pathetic kind of way.

To add to all that, I think my few days of feeling not-so-bad are coming to and end. Today hasn’t been good at all and I can only see it going down hill. My Mom says I’m yellow-er. All the same, I am determined to celebrate the fourth of July to the best of my (somewhat limited) ability! So be it if I start talking out loud to my turkey dog.