Fortune Cookie

It said:
YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS IN MIND & HEART

Faith Instead of a Warning

Dear God,

I'm writing You this letter because I'm a coward, I guess. I'm afraid of what might happen if I were to kneel and pray (though I must admit that there is fear in my heart just from writing this). I'm afraid that something horrible might happen. I dunno, maybe I'd be struck down, or maybe I'd just start crying and then get angry and, well…let the spiritual warfare commence.
But I'm here, God. I'm here. I answered You call on my heart. You showed me in a glimpse my position. You've warned me against going further. But I still don't want to be a Christian. I want God, not religion.

Why do I keep tiring myself out? What am I doing wrong? I guess I don't love You as much as I think I do. Please, God, teach me to love You so much that it is a joy to obey. Teach me to love You so much that I do not grow weary. Teach me to survive here. Because seriously, at this rate I'm going to hell.

I'll be doing so well, I'll be on fire and in love with You and then it seems like overnight I change. The temptation becomes strong. I compromise. I make some choices. Before I know it, I'm back to my old ways. Without a twinge of conscience. Dear God, help me. It seems I can't live without a longing. I'm not satisfied with being satisfied.

Obviously You know me better than I do because I thought I was fine. Evidently something in my heart wasn't right. But really, God, could You give me some warning? Guess not…guess You gave me faith instead.

Can't I be different? Do I have to be a clone?

Psalm 38:1-12, 16-22
O LORD, rebuke me not in Your wrath, And chasten me not in Your burning anger.
For Your arrows have sunk deep into me, And Your hand has pressed down on me.
There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation; There is no health in my bones because of my sin.
For my iniquities are gone over my head; As a heavy burden they weigh too much for me.
My wounds grow foul {and} fester Because of my folly.
I am bent over and greatly bowed down; I go mourning all day long.
For my loins are filled with burning, And there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart throbs, my strength fails me; And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me.
My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague; And my kinsmen stand afar off.
Those who seek my life lay snares {for me;} And those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, And they devise treachery all day long.
…
For I said, "May they not rejoice over me, {Who,} when my foot slips, would magnify themselves against me."
For I am ready to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me.
For I confess my iniquity; I am full of anxiety because of my sin.
But my enemies are vigorous {and} strong, And many are those who hate me wrongfully.
And those who repay evil for good, They oppose me, because I follow what is good
Do not forsake me, O LORD; O my God, do not be far from me!
Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!

Psalm 39:10-13

Remove Your plague from me; Because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.
With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity; You consume as a moth what is precious to him; Surely every man is a mere breath. Selah.
Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers.
Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile {again} Before I depart and am no more."

Lithium
by Evanescence

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go
.Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium,
I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.
Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.
I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...Lithium,
...stay in love with my sorrow.I'm gonna let it go.

Bad Dream
By Keane
(excerpts)

Why do I have to flyover every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.
I wake up, it's a bad dream,
No one on my side,I was fighting
But I just feel too tiredto be fighting,
guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
Where do we go?
I don't even know,
My strange old face,
And I'm thinking about those days,
And I'm thinking about those days.

Getting Ready For Sabbath: Observations

The pre-Sabbath rat cage cleaning is made difficut by heathen fuzzies. Somebody, I still don't know who, stole a box of my Junior Mints. I just happened to hear them rattling the box under my bed. So there I am on the floor with my head stuck under the bed yelling at who knows which rat, "GIMMIE MY CHOCOLATE!!!". Francis and some other rat came over, obviously trying to distract me, and started grooming my face with zeal. I tried to fight them off, but eventually I just had to pull out the bed to get to my mints. I hope God knows what I go through to get ready for Sabbath....*sigh*Meanwhile...why in the world is Greenpeace sending me address labels with whales on them? Being a vet tech/animal welfare activist is like being an Adventist: you end up recycling a lot of useless paper you get in the mail. Bah, it's sunny outside. I ain't gonna sit in front of my computer writing a pointless blog. Toddles!

The Harry Potter Surprise

About a month ago I decided to go back to Harry Potter. I had distanced myself from anything to do with the phenomenon for three years. Maybe my conscience was seared, but it didn't feel like a huge scary step to me. And while the experience of re-reading the fifth book, reading the sixth book for the first time and watching all the current movies was engrossing, I didn't turn into a tortured soul like my younger years. Life carried on.

My sister was re-reading the last two books in preparation for the seventh and final book. I yearned to join her and talk with her about Harry Potter things, just like old times. I realized, in my reading, that I could trace the pattern of my teenage years through these books. Not only did Harry Potter seem to be going through some of the same challenges that I had, but I could remember other details of what had been going on in my life when I had read each book, seen each movie. My life was shaped and patterned around Harry Potter's from the time I was twelve to the time I turned sixteen.

And so there I was, reading again and remembering. I knew what I was doing was wrong and part of me feared that, from Satan's point of view, I had made the final surrender. I told no one of my little adventure, partly out of pride and partly because I really did want to do this thing quietly. I didn't want to get caught up in the scene. I was sick of the scene.

My close friends knew, but that had been with me through my "Harry Potter years". Talking to them about Potter stuff was a comfort rather than a frustration. It felt like…my youth. But I couldn't stand talking to anyone else about it.

Soon I had caught up on my reading and movie viewing. I had a short reprieve until the seventh and final book came out. Surprisingly, I started to really come back to God during this time. I'm not sure why, but I have a few guesses. Maybe the seeds from family camp had started to grow. Maybe it was because I was so enthralled with the book I was reading, The Visitation. Maybe now that I had done the worst I was capable of doing I could only go uphill, back towards God. That is not to say that I didn't love God all that time, but I wasn't living for Him as I should have been.

I told myself often that I should make that choice now and stop this Potter business and make a full surrender to God. But I chose not to. I had to see this through or I would never be able to leave my teenage years behind me.

Last night I finished reading the last book. Harry lived, quite frankly, happily ever after and now, I could too. There is was, the conclusion to my teenage years. I could live on never having to worry. Never having to be haunted about Harry Potter.

Today, the day after, I feel the tell-tale signs of an unexplainable Potter depression; but my sister says this will pass in a day or two. It happened to her, too. But I am glad and thanking God for this new beginning.

Patience
By Take That

Just have a little patience

Still hurting from a love I lost,

Feeling your frustration,
Any minute all the pain will stop,

Just hold, me close, inside your arms,

tonight,don't be too hard on my emotions,

'Cause I, need time.

My heart is numb, has no feeling.

So while I'm still healing,

Just try, and have a little patience

I really want to start over again,

I know you wanna be my salvation.

The one that I could always depend,

I'll try to be strong believe me,

I'm trying to move on,

It's complicated but understand me.

'Cause I, need time,

My heart is numb has no feeling,

So while I'm still healing,

Just try, and have a little patience,

have a little patience,

'Cause the scars run so deep,

It's been hard

But I have to believe.

Recycling

As a Seventh-Day Adventist, my recycle bin fills up with donation envelopes.

God sped

Well, I've been hard at work with school and writing The Master Painter. Huge props to my friend Becky for being the editor of my dreams. As they say, to write is human, to edit is divine. With Becky's help this story is coming together and I hope to finish it in about a week.
In rodent news, we have a new mouse named Twinkle and my dear Biscuit died. Biscuit wasn't my rat, but a friend's. Last time I saw him he was just a tiny baby and he would be almost a year old now.
I saw a licence plate the other day that read "GOD SPED". I think it was supposed to say 'God speed' but all it ended up doing was accusing God of not obeying traffic laws. Mildly humorous.
So it's a Sabbath afternoon and I'm bored out of my socks. I should really go take a shower or at least change clothes since I have the Slobber of the Northside Church Babies all over me.
Nakies is up for her afternoon constitutional. She says hi. I love my Nakies...:-)

My First Post

Oh my. It's my first post on Blogger. Salutations world-of-blogging-on Blogger! So far I like it.
I'm being lazy thing morning. I was supposed to be at College View Church (CVC) at 8 AM since Unionaires in singing for both services. It's 10:13 and I am still in my pajamas...
I thought about it and thought about it and eventually decided that, what with my health being in such a delicate state, I needed to rest and take it easy today. Tomorrow will be very busy and I'll need my energy.
There is still a possibility that I will go and perform for the second service, but it is a rather small possibility. Is it bad that I'm just having an off day where I don't do anything I'm supposed to? I seem to do that quite often. What can I say, I'm an artist and can't be counted on to be constant.
Meanwhile I am wishing it were not so cold because otherwise I would go for a walk. It looks so pretty and sunny outside, making me want to go play and prance around, but I can't abide by the cold, so I guess I'll just sit inside and knit and read The Fellowship of the Ring. It is my second time reading it, by the way, and I just finished the chapter about Weathertop/Amon Sul.
Baby Crash is up and says hi.