19

Something in me changed when I turned 19. It's like something said, "Okay, Becca, time to wake up!" I just changed. It wasn't until now, at the climax of it, that I noticed. Oh, yeah, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't realize they were "growing pains".

I started to keep falling into the same sins over and over and it was probably because I had no real, driving motivation to stop. I just knew it was bad, I didn't feel it was. Mostly I fell into worldliness. It didn't matter what dramatics I put on for myself (and God) when I repented. Twenty minutes after swearing never to go down that path again, I would. Needless to say, I was getting tired and my knees were sore from kneeling in repentance.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened or exactly when. I think it was when I asked my dad to go to the library. But before that, even, I had started to loosen my grip on who I was and who I thought God wanted me to be. I can see it as if on a graph, the line starting to go downwards.
This past week I've been happier than I've been in a long time. I feel free. I've decided not to decide in a way. Before, it seemed I was always walking on egg shells, trying to live up to the standards I'd set for myself. The stress was horrible. Now I am at peace, though I am not with
God. It's weird. I'm different. It's like I'm finally awaking to the world around me.

For the first time in my life, I actually, truly, care about others and find such joy in them that I can't help but constantly smile. Other people hold a much bigger interest for me. And I think some of it has to do with me letting go. Before I was scared of talking to others because I was so focused on preaching to them, on filtering my words. Now I have the freedom to just enjoy them. And because I care about them, and others, I'm not saying things I regret. I can finally join in.
I listen to music and read books that I wouldn't before. But this time I have left the darkness and depression behind. I am a joyful person and I read and listen to joyful things. I watch joyful movies. And I can see life poetically. There is sunshine. I feel like I am living in the happy ending of a good movie. I dance in the clothing stores.

I'm waking up to my womanhood. I'm aware of and comfortable with the fact that I am a woman and no longer a girl and I try to bring that grace into my influence. I'm not afraid about who I should be.

There is a sad bit, however. I realize how much I have disconnected myself from others. What really saddens me is that my old group of friends no longer recognizes me. Nick, Jessie and my sister think I'm just a stuck-up Christian. Well, maybe not Nick. But it's not their fault. I cut myself off and now it's too late. What a mistake I've made. Maybe someday, when they're older, we can all be together again as one group.

I went to church today and expected to feel uncomfortable, but I was surprised to find myself at ease and even saying a heartfelt 'amen' or two! I will still stand up for God's truth and will always love Him. I have an even deeper reverence for God and His law now. Even if I do not fully abide by it. I feel like I'm in between. I'm waiting for myself to go one way or another. Waiting for a sign. I don't want to talk about it. I even hesitated to write this journal, as if the spell would be broken if I thought too hard about all of this. Something is changing. I'm growing. I can only expect to come out a far better Christian than before.

To all appearances I've fallen away. But all this partaking of certain books, movies and music I would call a spiritual journey. I'm curious about the world around me and how it relates to God. Yes, it's been a long time since I've been this happy.