Change

I couldn't even be nice. When the guy asked me about my t-shirt I couldn't even be nice. Maybe he was one of the smart human beings who realizes that what a person does or the people he/she befriends does not make their identity. Maybe I shouldn't really wear these t-shirts right now. I'm not exactly living up to the message of Empowered Living Ministries. I'm in class and I should be paying attention. My classes are online and I'm in my favorite place to do my schoolwork: Meadowlark Coffee. Already I'm a creature of habit, sitting where I sat last time: a tall seat by the window, looking out at the smokers outside (who look back at me and I feel like an animal at the zoo) and the glowing letters SUN MART across the street. Lovely distraction. And the teacher has already said a whole bunch about, well, I don't know. Some sort of examination. I can't believe I left the house without makeup.

It seems that all I do now is think, analyze and live. I love living. It's nice. I don't think I was living before. One night, while trying to fall asleep I made two graphs in my head (Lisa Simpson, "I make a lot of graphs"). One graph was of my Christian experience. At first I was really happy. I was getting over my depression and learning that there was a meaning to life and the vague God I knew was getting sharper edges. Then, shortly after becoming a Seventh - day Adventist at 16 I went back down again almost to the way I was before, but I was relatively happy. Then I came back up and it was the regular short up and downs of the early Christian experience and as the years went by I grew a lot as a child of God and my standing with God was great. But as my experience grew I became more and more unhappy. Then this. My standing with God shoots down while my happiness shoots up. But, right now, I'm not as happy as I was when I first started on this little journey.

I'm fighting to keep my hold on the simple joy that I started out with. I'm trying hard not to slip into darkness. But, you see, I'm not trying too hard because I'm tired of being a Hitler on myself. As my Christian experience grew I restricted myself more and more. I separated myself from everything. I read a lot of what other Christians thought and not enough of what God thought. From all the reading I did early in my life I'd learned how to be forsaken and unloved, but be content (like little Harry Potter in the cupboard under the stairs). It was all I knew how to be. I shunned people before I was a Christian and after I became one I shunned all who weren't.

I became really conservative. While I still very much believe that my views were biblical, I think I was coming at them from the wrong angle. I don't know what that angle was, just that it wasn't right. If I in the slightest bit didn't live up to those conservative standards in the way I thought they should be held up, I got on my knees and screwed up my face until tears came out of my eyes. I lay on the floor face down, just like I was supposed to. I put on a big show of repentance and tried my hardest to make myself feel really bad. Ugh, it makes me sick just to think about it. It makes me sick to just think of kneeling down by my bed and praying. Not because of I don't want to talk to God, but because of, I don't know, I guess because of the stress and mental hurt of trying with all of your might to be someone and something you're not. I only confessed all those sins because I knew I should. It was like my duty. It didn't come from the heart. I was never sorry, no matter how much I asked God to make me sorry.

Now I don't really know the details of what's right and what's wrong anymore. But I know what makes a decent human being. I know what will make the world a better place. And that's all I freaking care about right now. I'm looking for the God I was looking for 4 years ago, before I was a Christian. I'm looking for the God I know is there without anyone telling me, without anyone preaching to me or writing a thesis. And I intend to look where He is to be found. I'm not going to look to the shit that floats to the top. I'm going to look at the Book, nature and the heart and soul of the human being (the decent part). I'm interested in people. I'm interested in what they think, what their opinion is. I don't want to feel uncomfortable around them because their opinion is not mine. So here I've been, pouring my heart out, and I've only looked in on class a couple times. Oh, well, the window is open, so I'm getting credit for it.

Yesterday (Sabbath) I got to church late, my hair still wet from my shower, and I was glad for it! I was glad I was different. I wasn't on time and I looked funny. I wasn't the same prompt and put together girl everyone knows. I couldn't help being sad the whole time I was there, though.

I think it's probably time to schedule a session with Jeannie just to let her know what's going on. Half of me expects her to smile and tell me I'm growing up and the other half expects her to go protective Adventist on me. Knowing her it will probably be both. But I kind of don't want to tell her either. I kind of just want to live and let live. I don't know. If she's concerned, she'll let me know. And I'll tell her.

I'm just kind of jumbled, but I'm not agitating the jumble. I'm letting the jumble arrange itself how it will. I always end up having some sort of revelation of understanding. And if I don't, I make one.

I should probably shut up now. There are some guys here at the cafe and it looks like they're setting up to do some music. I don't really want to be here for it. I've got a good book going at home.