Tired (Language Warning)

I don't know, you guys. I am just so f**king tired. Did I know, at the start, that it would come to this? Just because I'm away from God doesn't mean I don't have to have standards.
I realized what I really want. More than anything in the world. I found out why I am drawn to Harry Potter again. I know why this all began. Friendship. I'm lonely and I want friendship. That's what it's been, my whole life. That's what I've always, really wanted. The only thing that really matters. Right now I don't want a lover and I don't want someone to be fucking crucified. I want a friend. Actually I want more than a friend, I want a few friends. I want people I can connect with and be myself with. People who are loyal and who, as the years go by are there with you. People who don't get on my nerves too much, but who aren't perfect, either.

I think the Christians are all wrong. Magic isn't what draws kids and adults to Harry Potter, its friendship. I have never, in my whole life, seen a more beautiful friendship than that portrayed in the Harry Potter books and movies. Notice how the people who like Harry Potter the most are the lonely ones? This world is working against that kind of friendship and so the people become hungry. That explains why I cry in certain places during movies or books, or whatever.

So there it is. I am so f**king lonely. I haven't had close friends in years. I think it's been over 3 years since I had close friends I was comfortable with. Yeah, there was Christina and Larry for a time there but that was just exhausting and then Larry and I screwed the whole thing up. No, the last time I had friends like I want was back when Nick, Jessie, Ginny and I would be together. Too late for that to happen again. And that wasn't in the Christian world. No, because most of these Christians are so damn sterile. And then they all have petty prejudices against each other so you can never get three of them in a room together to without everyone feeling like they're walking on eggs.

Oh, man. I feel so hopeless. Will I be lonely forever? I don't want any stupid romance. I just really, really want friendship. Shit. What am I supposed to do? I don't know I don't know. I hate it here. Maybe I did have a chance for friendship. Maybe I did just this October. But that depends on my coming back to who I was, who I don't want to be any more. But then again, maybe it doesn't. Not quite, anyway.

Of course, I have to have all these thoughts going around my head when I'm alone in the house, I have a stressful day tomorrow and I'm trying to care for an elderly rat who is recovering from surgery. Crap crap crap. Don't you just want to die sometimes? I don't think I took my anti-depressant last night…or this morning. I hate it when I do that. I'm such a damned mess. Oh, well. I've been in darker places than this before and I haven't gone suicidal yet. Of course, back then I wasn't as smart.

Sorry for talking like a sailor. I'll get over it.

Story of my life:

"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imaginedWhen you were young…"

"And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young
They say the devil's water
It isn't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while…"

-When You Were Young, The Killers