Rolling Over

I seem to keep rolling over. It's easy to roll over into one life and then change my mind and roll over into the other. I think that I need to know first hand why I hold so dearly the truths that I do so that I may hold them more dearly. I'm experimenting. How does this music make me feel? Am I happier here in this world or in my life with Christ? How about these clothes or these pictures, or this book? How about this way of looking at the world? What brings more peace, more happiness? It is every person's right to pursue happiness. And yet this is an endeavor based of self, and I know that self always fails. But do I?

And then I wonder, which lifestyle will enable me to bless others the most? And then I wonder about my own mind set. Am I being a blessing to others because I want to or because I know it's what I should do as a Christian?

As a Christian, I had a sense of identity without pride. As a worldling I must have pride in order to have a sense of identity. I must pull in falsehoods and exaggerations to explain myself. And I know that I cannot mix. Most people think they can mix the world and Christ, but I know it's not true and this by experience. The Word also says that if I am to be for Christ I must be all in. I cannot serve both God and myself. If I were to be a true Christian that would mean this and that and that and this. So then I come back to my original question, Where does the peace and happiness lie? For even if I were to go totally back to the world I would still know, as I've known all my life, that there is a greater Intelligence out there. And what would I do with that? I would have to deal with the longing I used to feel a year ago when I would look at the things of nature and know that there was something more that I was missing. A higher calling. Again, how would I deal with that? And who would carry my burdens when they get to heavy? And even when they're not? I know too much to say I would not have burdens if I were to go back to the old life, though it is tempting to say it.

And where would be love? I never knew its true meaning until I met my God and saw the cross. How could I survive without the rich comfort of God's love? It is that love that keeps me from going back. All else fades away, losing its meaning when I think of the awesome love. Its worth it just to have love. And if I let it, that love can spill over onto others. I must not be so shy and timid.

Yes, I've decided, it's worth it for the love, for the cross. But I must learn to make the principles, the truths, of Christianity an experience and not just a knowledge. I must know that self will always fail. God help me.