There and Back Again

Yesterday I spent my morning and early afternoon in the ER because I had one of my episodes. They did a bunch of tests and gave me some pain med. The CT scan showed the my abscess has shrunk even more, which is great. However, since it's been shrinking to rapidly mom and I kind of wonder if it hasn't been leaking it's sickly fluid into my already sickly body...

The last week has been awful, there's no doubt about that. I've been sleeping for most of it, which always throws me off and makes me feel depressed. I dream what I would be doing if I were awake and that kind of screws things up, you know? Did I already relay this important piece of information or was that a dream? Did this really happen or did I just dream that? It ends up feeling like nothing got done.

I have to remind myself that I do get some things done. Why, today I organized my pills, folded laundry, took a bath and had my mom trim my hair (does that last one count as me doing something, though?). I think of what Rayne said in one of her blogs and what my mom has been telling me for years: Even when you are very sick and feel completely useless you can always do at least one thing. Being an avid list-maker and someone who prepares everything far in advance, "one thing" never seems good enough to me. Can't I add in just one more thing? Oh, and that other thing? I think to myself. No, my body replies, no, not today.

The I'm-S0-Tired-It-Feels-Like-Someone-Put-Sandbags-In-My-Organs feeling is back. I sit in my recliner and try to summon the energy to breathe. I try coloring in my coloring books or knitting, but eventually my tools fall out of my hands and I'm panting for breath. I try talking to Rayne online, but summoning the brain power to make an adequete reply or add an anecdote of my own soon becomes too much and I retreat to my bed saying, "I'm just gonna take a nap, I'll be back soon." I wake up four hours later.

I'm almost done putting 2007's Crunchy Bits blog entries in Word format and look what I stumbled across: "I have spent the last two weeks quite literally asleep. Not a good sleep either, a deep, drag you down, limbs weighing a million pounds each sleep. Weird dreams, some of them would make some pretty good novels. Especially the ones with the train."- From This Blog By Rayne

That there is exactly how I feel and what I'm experiencing! I do have some novel-worthy dreams and the only reason I ever wake up from my slumbers is because of duty. I feel I have to show my face to the world or else it will forget about me and do something really cool and I'll miss out on it all.

Last week I was passing on a message to a mutual rat friend for Rayne. "Why don't you just talk to her yourself?" I asked. "She's online."
"I'm too out of it," Rayne replied. "I'd be too embarrassed. You're used to me when I'm like this."
"But I don't think you sound out of it at all!" I exclaimed, although I went ahead and asked our friend about the rat food Rayne needed (although if you look at some of her rats I don't think they need anymore food...well, I'll keep my opinions to myself...)

The point is, I understand where Rayne was coming from now. Sure, it's easy to come off sounding like I'm sitting up in a desk chair, perky as ever, clicking away on my computer, but I can't keep up the charade for long. And it is kind of embarrassing because I want to be there, in the present, talking to my friends and paying them the best of attention, but I can't. I want to express the emotion that a certain comment requires but I just can't summon up more than zombie fluff.

I can't seem to make myself interested in anything. And again I am reminded of how I have stopped believing in time. How can I when I sleep and don't know when I'll wake up? And then my dreams are of what I've done and what I'm planning to do.

Sometimes, when I feel sick and am having trouble going to sleep I imagine that I'm someplace else. Lately, it's been Brambly Hedge for me. In my mind I design my own little home inside a tree. It's quiet there and my troubles and pains can't find me. There is nothing pressing or overly important to worry about and I am free to boil water in my little kettle and make tea from leaves I gathered in the woods. I sew pillows and quilts and knit gifts for all my friends. I write peaceful letters with blackberry ink. If I want, I can put on a pretty dress and a hat and go visit my neighbors, bringing along preserves and freshly picked flowers. I feel better just writing about it.

I made myself go sit outside today. Perpetually cold, I had to bring along my quilt, but it all worked out. I have a nice lawn chair so that I can lie back (I can only sit up for short periods of time). I set my humming IV pump in it's little purse beside me and breathed in the air. It smelled so good. I just couldn't get enough. I took a walk around to look at the plants in our garden. Only two kinds of flowers were in bloom, both of them white. I ran my hands along one of our trees and immediately felt relief and tenderness. I don't know what it is about me and trees, but it's like God is in them. Sometimes I feel as if I could stand there exploring their every branch and leaf forever.

I read a book while I was outside, but eventually I got too cold and tired and went in.

Today Mom went to Target and brought back Hello Kitty coloring books and bags for all. My sister started coloring in my Hello Kitty Coloring and Activivities Book (no, that's not a typo, that's seriously what it says on the book) while I was in the hospital last and, feeling guilty, expressed her desire to replace mine. Then she started coveting one of her own, so when Mom asked if there was anything she could get for us at Target that was my sister's request. My mom also got me a Barbie doll just because it had pink highlights like me. And she brought home lunch. I decided I should probably eat it since I hate leftovers, so I popped a Zofran and ate all but one bite of my all-beef hot dog. Ya'll should be proud of me...except it's the only thing I ate today with the exception of a strawberry Boost with my morning meds.

Poor Mom, she was all excited about this stuff she got and I had to say sorry, I'm gonna go take a nap.

This is officially the longest, most disjointed blog ever.