True Love

Does everyone in the world feel like they’re trying to reach some higher purpose? Or is it just me? Does everyone kneel on the floors of their lives, picking up puzzle pieces, never pausing from the hope (that is almost surety) that they will all fit together?

I’ve always been honest, almost to a fault. I would say that my strongest trait is honesty. I am honest with others, but I am blatantly honest with myself. I’m naturally a reflective person and I make myself answer my toughest questions. But I digress…

What I’m trying to get at is that I think I understand what I want most to experience in this word. What I’m striving for.

I want to find true love.

All spiritual endeavors aside, of course. All of the simple beauty I see in the world, all of the rich experiences, now appear to me to be wrapped up in the package of true love. But I’ve never experienced true love. For a real person, anyway…

The simple life of comfortable hours in bed, kisses, the smell of soap, eat breakfast whenever the hell we get around to it and walking in the creation of God or city. The blue jeans and tapping feet, the telling of secrets and the appreciation of quirks. The adventure, the emotions. Am I describing a honeymoon?

I want it all so much. Sometimes I feel like my growth as a person has halted and I can’t go any further until something happens. I kinda feel like that now. I want the thing that happens to be true love. But I’ve talked to God and put it all in His hands because I don’t believe that I can have true love without God’s help. Duh.

I just want something to happen. Every day is the same, with the same limitations. I feel like a prisoner in my body. My desire to do something keeping hitting this brick wall once I realize I can’t physically do it. And so I lose interest or lust after it. And I shy away from getting too involved with any one thing (guess that’s what church does to ya after awhile). Groups on the internet and what not just don’t work for me. My interests, my life, are too multi-faceted for me to into any one thing.

Maybe I just need to start writing again or something. But I still want true love. Gosh, so I sound like a Disney
princess when I say that?

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking of my dream with the curly-haired guy. He loved me. I remember the way his hair felt on my skin, the way he smelled, the way his lips felt on my fingers and the feel of his arm around me. Most of all I remember the way he looked at me.