It's 3 in the morning-the perfect time for blogging. There's an atmosphere of uninhibited, magical honesty at this time of night/day. I'm not awake for the purpose of blogging, however. I'm up because fever and pain won't let me sleep. Cupcake the rat is running around my bed, keeping me company. This is one good trait about Cupcake: She stays on the bed. Except in the case that she does something daring and accidentally falls off the bed. Cupcake, however, is still a nuisance, running back and forth on the bed, stopping only to run over me with her sharp baby nails. Still, she's distracting and that's good.
I seem to be getting sicker and sicker. Everyday is a little bit worse than the one before. Hopefully this is a phase of some sort and soon I'll be back to my normal sick level. Coming back from the evaluation, though, I was a little overwhelmed. All these others things I didn't even know about are wrong with me. It seems and feels like my body is just shutting down, like it doesn't want to live anymore. Sometimes it seems like my will to live is the only thing keeping me alive. And I suppose that's partly true. It's easy to take this in stride most of the time. I mean, I've grown up getting nothing but bad news about my body; but sometimes, like I said, it gets overwhelming. I wouldn't say I'm overwhelmed tonight, but the huge amount of pain I'm in forces things into perspective.
I've had doctors tell me since I was four, "We're going to fix this or that problem and then you'll be able to live life as a normal person." Up until about two years ago I believed them. The fact of the matter is, no matter how many problems we "solve" another one always comes up to take its place. Even the problems that were supposed to be solved years ago still aren't. I mean, I'm going for my third liver transplant for God's sake. Do I believe I'll live very long? No. Do I believe I'll ever be healthy enough to have the kind of life where I can go to work everyday and pursue my interests? No. Sure, I've had good periods in my life, but they were never good enough to keep me in school on a daily basis or anything like that.
Speaking of school, when all these liver problems started getting serious I dropped out and was told I could come back at a discounted rate whenever I was better (for those of you who don't know, I was taking an online course in veterinary technology). Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for education. Big time. But I wonder if I should even go back. I enjoy veterinary technology, but if I'm going to be living on disability for the rest of my life I would like to use the time I have to write, to compose, to create. Part of that is because I want to leave something behind other than cages of rats and boxes of pills. I want to leave behind parts of myself, parts of who I am.
Cupcake managed to make her normal mistake of riding a falling DVD case to the floor where she is now happily prancing around. I kinda glad she's gone. Note to self: trim Cupcake's nails.
I think people often underestimate how much pain I'm in or how tired I am. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have this uncanny ability of looking, sounding and even acting healthy even when I feel like I'm going to pass out/throw up/explode. I don't try to (at least, I don't think I do). It's been a curse to be for as long as I can remember. You have no idea how often school teachers thought I was faking sickness. I think that even my friends and family can't really tell exactly how I'm feeling. You can't really tell it from reading my blog, but I hate to complain or whine. I'm not going to waste my time doing that. I suppose that may have something to do with how I come off. Also, when you've been sick for as long as I have, you tend to try and carry on in a normal way as much as possible. The only exception to all of this is when I have one of my "episodes". Then I will scream my head off. But even then...I think I hold back. FYI, my "episodes" are when I ovulate. They've sent me to the emergency room more times than I can remember.
The pain med is starting to kick in so I think I'll try and get some sleep.
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4 comments:
I'm sure I don't even know what to really say as it won't come out as intended. I found you through Rayne's blog which I read daily. She makes me smile. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you. It's no good being in pain or pretending you aren't in pain or any of that. This crazy thing called "life" is pretty confusing and doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time, but purple hair...that's cool! :) Hang in there.
Gayle, thanks for your comment! It's nice to have some other people besides close friends reading my blog.
I've gone through the same thought process I don't know how many times. Usually during the 'special' time of month or when I'm doing bed time, or fever riddled, or riding in ambulances with nagging EMT's.
It's why I decided to stop the 'puter programming part of my life and decided that I would just stick with arts, books, etc. I looked at it sort of like; God handed me a raw deal with the whole body thing, on the other hand, He gave me the opportunity that many sick people don't get, I can pursue what I love.
Sort of a back handed gift, but I'll take it.
I hope you are feeling better today.
You're right, Rayne. That's a really good way to look at it. And I am, in a weird way, thankful for my sickness because without it I wouldn't be the spiritual, creative person I am today. It gave me the time to grow and reflect and get to know what's really important.
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